Life hack: Webkinz is free and nothing is stopping you from signing up right now

Ann Karneus, ringlord

Quarantine undisputedly sucks, but fortunately there is a silver lining. With all the free time it has afforded me – as well as the encouragement I’ve received to revert back to an unhealthy, childlike state – I’ve discovered that Webkinz accounts are now free. 

While this opportunity may seem inconsequential to most, any casual past user understands the gravity of this development. In 2007, a single regular-sized Webkinz was around $15 and a mini Webkinz was around $10, making Webkinz quite a risky business venture for the average nine year old. I can only imagine that in the past decade, the Webkinz market has inflated as demand decreased, thus leading to a devaluation of the Webkinz. Economic speculation aside, Webkinz is an incredible game. 

Quite literally the most insanely cathartic experience I have ever had is Art from the Curio Shop gruffly greeting me with, “Welcome to the Curio Shop, hope you find what you’re looking for.” But you typically don’t dilly-dally and stop to chat with Art, because you have mining to do!! I frantically click on “gem hunt” and then arbitrarily choose one of the mines. You get three tries to find a gem. Finding a gem is an instantaneous rush of dopamine; for me it manifests as a nearly erotic sensation. 

And what, possibly, could beat the allure of Polar Plunge, perhaps the greatest gaming interface ever devised? I will warn returning players that the game is NOT the same as it was ten years ago. Webkinz has admittedly gone soft in this area – there is now a finish line, whereas before one could simply sled on into oblivion. When I was a child, Polar Plunge offered a certain Sisyphean futility, since I knew I would never reach the bottom of the mountain. I knew I would be condemned to start the game over from the beginning again and again, but instead of discouraging me, it motivated me to achieve a higher score each time. Along with pushing me to keep getting better, this futility that the old Polar Plunge simulated is something we all must accept at one point or another in life. We can roll the boulder up the mountain or sled down the mountain for an eternity, but like Sisyphus, we will be condemned to the same perpetual toil. All of this aside, Polar Plunge with a finish line is still enjoyable, albeit philosophically hollow. 

If you’re interested in taking on one more escapist hobby for the duration of the stay-at-home order, I suggest logging onto Webkinz right now. My username is ringlord, and please don’t hesitate to friend me so we can play arena games together. 


P.S. Webkinz is better than Club Penguin