April Fools’ Day reported to have “hit different” this year

Ashlyn Quintus, Negative Debby

This year you could have literally said or done anything that would later be revealed as an “April Fools” and I would not care. There is nothing that would have fazed me. Since Whitman’s announcement of cancelling in-person classes, graduation and most importantly, The Renaissance Fair, I find that I am made of steel. Headlines have been battering me around like a little pinball, so big gags that day would have been no different.

Go ahead, hit me! No one tried yesterday, but if I had heard on Wednesday I have a broken arm, ahh I’m pregnant, we’re getting a divorce, you are expected to be confined to your home until June of 2025, I’d just have weathered it like any other live update from the Times, CNN, The Post or Twitter!! 

What’s the thrill? Kickin’ me while I’m down? This year, April Fools almost felt like a sick joke. For one day, it was possible that every headline was simply bad fiction; for a second we could believe ‘twas all a dream! For a moment, these headlines were not true! Oh, the torture! If only we were back to our smooth-butter days, when the sun shone a little too bright, and life was a little too giddily boring. The monotony could easily have been broken up with an I’m breaking up with you, Karen just signed on a different place so we need a new subletter, Cleveland’s food is a little cold or the baby’s yours, but no! 

Times are tough, and all I’m saying is if you tried to fool me on April Fools, then you’re the April fooL!!!!!!!!