Crafting Comedy
Christy Carley, Staff Reporter
April 14, 2016
Varsity Nordic, the group of campus improvisers whose predecessors snagged their name from the defunded nordic ski team, generally meets three times a week at 10:00 p.m.
It is April Now
Jack Swain, staff writer
April 7, 2016
Your house being air conditioned in a hot summer. Overcast cloudy days that won’t stop raining. Underneath a pile of things on your desk, you find that thing you were searching for. Dogs that let you scratch their bellies. Oregon’s speed limits are too slow. Noodles cooked just right. The w...
Survey Shows Survey Matters
Megumi Rierson, staff writer
April 7, 2016
If you identify as a Whitman student with a pulse, chances are you’ve received a few emails with links to surveys about the various nuances of the privileged existence that society has so carefully crafted for you. Just recently, surveys released have included the Campus Climate survey that apparently ...
Mathleen Kurray Victorious in the Octagon
Trevor Lewis, staff writer
April 7, 2016
Though many have questioned the somewhat unorthodox fundraising method, Mathleen Kurray donned her finest spandex and traditional mask last Saturday to participate in what has been called one of the bloodiest smackdowns in WWE history. After executing several gut-wrenchingly brutal elbow drops on a...
Club Disbands After Members Exhaust Dating Options
Martina Pansze
April 1, 2016
Following a press release on Tuesday, the Whitman Alpine Luge Team (WALT) will be disbanding indefinitely.
Alumni and Administration Enraged About the Name Change of…What’s that Paper Called Again?
Austin Biehl, staff writer
March 10, 2016
In an unexpected turn of events, it seems that people have actually read an article published in the Pioneer. Vitriolic anger exploded last week when the Pio announced its radical decision to change its name from a symbol of racist colonialism to something more culturally appropriate. “God dammit,” sw...
New Study Suggests Positive Relationship Between Tenure and Apathy
Trevor Lewis, staff writer
March 10, 2016
While it has yet to be peer-reviewed, a groundbreaking new study from Georgetown University researchers points to a strong negative correlation between achieving tenure and caring about things. I reached out to Professor Gregory T. Phillips, lead researcher of the now famous tenure apathy study and...
Historic Rap Musical Hits Broadway
Clara Wheeler, staff writer
March 10, 2016
Pope Leo X: I’m a patron of the arts and the head of the church, My power is supreme, but one man tries to besmirch My reputation with his declarations, his agitation of the rabble Is sure to cause a crisis greater than the Tower of Babel. Martin Luther: The corruption of the churc...
Breaking News: Mitochondria NOT the Powerhouse of the Cell
Jeffrey Gustaveson, staff writer
March 3, 2016
According to a groundbreaking study published Wednesday in Science Magazine, mitochondria are not, as previously thought, the powerhouses of the cell. The discovery was made by researchers within the Department of Biology at Harvard University. Professor Scien Tist, head of a team studying stem cell tran...
Sororities Settle With Quasi-Autonomy For Foreseeable Future
Megumi Rierson, staff writer
March 3, 2016
As we all know, Whitman has a longstanding tradition of reminding women that they are the inferior sex. Earlier in Whitman history, this tradition took the form of forcing women to live on campus all four years and registering male guests in Memorial Hall. Chastity belts were also provided in the health...
Ankeny Excavation Reveals Lives of Nineteenth Century Students
Clara Wheeler, staff writer
February 25, 2016
A recent excavation done by the Whitman archival team at a dig site in an undisclosed and inaccessible corner of Ankeny revealed pages from the ancient college newspaper Unnamed, founded by the community organizer Marcus Whitman himself. These documents were surrounded by curses and booby traps to diss...
Mascot Changed to the Fightin’ Ivory Towers
Trevor Lewis, staff writer
February 18, 2016
Illustration by Claire Revere. Market analysts were able to confirm today that this has indeed been the most precipitous decline in white guilt on campus since George Bridges claimed to “have one black friend.” Whitman’s new mascot, The Fightin’ Ivory Towers, is rapidly gaining popularity with ...
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