On Thursday of last week, the day of dress-up and ghoulish delights, every clickbait-vulnerable parent’s worst nightmare came true. An 11-year-old, Little Johnny, received some assorted edibles in exchange...
Although technology in the digital age provides us with instantaneous connections and a wealth of information, the sheer volume of these resources can lead to a life full of distractions.
Sophomore...
It was a dark and stormy night. Well, not quite stormy, but in the low thirties with a brisk and terribly biting wind. Nothing seemed amiss. ‘Twas a Friday night after a long and arduous week of participating...
AE, Unprofessional Young Professional
• November 7, 2019
Amidst midterms and thesis proposals, I was feeling especially stressed and unprepared for the week. I went into my professor’s office hours in hopes of asking for just one measly extension but came...
Last Friday, area man John Studebaker was spotted exiting Safeway with an estimated $400 worth of Halloween candy.
Kent Jameson, the cashier who handled the bizarre transaction, weighed in.
“Get...
Awww, how sad :( This skeleton has no BODY to go to the dance with (get it?). One month ago the skeleton made a very public prom-posal to Jennifer Beef, the most popular girl in the senior class. They...
One of the spookiest costumes being flaunted this season is that of Reid Market, with a stunning rendering of an authentic Whole Foods Market. We started noticing the resemblance back in August, so this...
Elise Sanders, Allergic To Not Having Fun
• October 28, 2019
Do you feel a disconnect from this generation’s youth, so great that you don’t even know what to give them on Halloween? Well, don’t you worry. Take my advice, and your house will be the most popular...
It seemed like it would be a nice, romantic evening to diners at restaurant Le Ratatouille last Sunday night. Things would quickly take a jarring turn for the worst when a couple brought their 6-year-old...
Following the completion of the Reid and Jewett cafes, Whitman has announced that they will be breaking ground on a new hangout spot where even the angriest of bitches can hang. Named “Resting Bitch...
There has been a lot of buzz around Jewett lately, and The Wire can tell you why. With fall upon us, naturally, it's cold and flu season. Many of us students are all too familiar with the annual Jewett...
The Health Center is on red alert this week after patient patterns revealed the spread of a condition that is knocking out an alarming number of Whitman men. The epidemic, currently nameless but unofficially...
