Sweatier weather: Jewett plague gets moist


Illustration by Lanh Tran

Madeline Kemp, Rodeo Clown

There has been a lot of buzz around Jewett lately, and The Wire can tell you why. With fall upon us, naturally, it’s cold and flu season. Many of us students are all too familiar with the annual Jewett Plague that strikes the close-quartered first-years around this time, and this year is no exception. This year the plague, which usually consists of a gnarly cough and runny nose, has manifested itself as a serious and widespread case of hyperhidrosis, a.k.a. sweating a ton

You may have noticed how some first-years appear to be extra nervous, dripping in perspiration, staining their clothes and smelling pretty ripe. Don’t hold this against them. They can’t help that their res-hall is a known petri dish for breeding aggressive germs, such as those causing their state of constant moistness. Symptoms seem aggravated by attending office hours, getting lost, doing laundry or speaking to crushes.

While reliable sources believe it is still fully contained to Jewett alone, there will be cause for concern if Jewett residents start sweating all over the rest of campus. Quarantine is an option being explored by health professionals. If this plague reaches the rest of us, we may all be doomed to sweating so profusely, no mere deodorant does the trick.

For the sake of our campus community, we ask that you not treat our helpless first-year friends any differently, but by all means, proceed with caution. Do not allow yourself to come in contact with their clamminess, or you too may find yourself suffering from Jewett hyperhidrosis. 

Stay tuned for further updates on the health status of Jewett Hall coming soon. 

If you hope to enjoy this fair autumn comfortably, stay safe out there and welcome the sweater weather without being too sweaty for your sweater.