Whitman Wire

Falafel Brothels, Man, That’s Where It’s At

Rebecca Gluck, Mother Glucker

April 12, 2018

Since manufacturers recalled the Easy-Bake Oven, humans have been searching for something to replace the hole in their hearts that they thought could only be filled by pink baking racks and rock-hard muffins. They thought they found it in Silly Bandz, but the satisfaction of having random shapes cut off...

Spring Visitors’ Day Catfished Me

Ann Karneus, Calls It Like It Is

April 12, 2018

We all know those idyllic, sunny photos of students hanging out on Ankeny that saturate Whitman’s website, brochures and very popular Instagram page. But most outsiders aren’t aware that this is a LIE! This imagery completely erases the brutal fall and winter months that comprise the majority of...

87 Percent of Students Crumbling Before Our Very Eyes

Annelise Ellingboe, Butt Munch

April 12, 2018

Tuesday, 12:47 a.m.: At least twelve-hundred Whitman students have spontaneously turned to sand over the last two weeks. As papers and tests pile up, the confusing phenomenon has ravaged the campus, leaving stressed students afraid that they, too, will crumble. The most recent case has shaken close ...

Tree Near Jewett Looking Forward to Smelling like Shit Again

Clara Wheeler, Conspiracy Theorist

April 5, 2018

The weather is warming up, people are getting hit in the head with frisbees and hammock cocoons are popping up all over campus. But nobody is more excited about the upcoming warmer spring weather than the ginkgo tree near Jewett that smells like shit. “I finally get to start growing my leaves again,...

Wanted: One Ripe Young Safeway Shopper

Annie Stefanides, Member of SMGS W^2

April 5, 2018

Have you thought about playing the game Monopoly? I don’t mean the silly little board game that’s for children, I mean the real life, high-stakes, in-it-to-win-it Safeway Monopoly. Well, if you’re finally ready to commit to a badass grocery shopping crew, then look no further because we’re looking...

The Secret Life of the American Gaymer

Winston Weigand, The Dragonslayer

April 5, 2018

My name’s Winston. For the most part, my life is totally normal. I have a family that I actively ignore, a rash that I’m too embarrassed to tell my doctor about and then there’s my friends. We do everything friends do: we drink way too much goat blood while gorging on Tide pods. So, I’m just...

History Department to Fill Vacancy with Software

Chris Hankin, Handkerchief's Son

April 1, 2018

Having tried unsuccessfully for two years to convince administration that students at a Liberal Arts school need to learn twentieth century American history, the department is experimenting with digital alternatives. ProfessorBot is a program that simulates the pedagogy and knowledge of a Princeton PH...

Student Production Droopy Drawers is a Delightful Tour De Force

Maude Lustig, Yegg

March 29, 2018

First time playwright Andrew Gladwell made a splash in Whitman’s theater community with the premiere of his original play Droopy Drawers. The play centers around young man Peter as his attempts to achieve success in his career and love life are foiled by his inability to keep his pants from falling d...

New Hero Strikes Fear into the Heart of Productivity

Clara Wheeler, Binge Verb-er

March 29, 2018

With only two months left in the school year, the streets of Whitman College have become overrun with a nefarious foe: Productivity. Clubs are organizing events, professors are assigning essays and people are getting stuff done. Never fear, those who have yet to be struck by this enemy of entertainment,...

5 Ways To Show Your Problematic Dream Man That You’re Not Like Other Girls

Ann Karneus, Impressed Gourd

March 29, 2018

We’ve all been there, ladies. If you’re into men, you’ve most likely fallen prey to a certain type of irresistibly mediocre guy that gets your heart racing and your blood pumping. He doesn’t seem to be particularly interested in getting to know you as a person, but his generic interests and appearance...

Steaming Manhole Cover a Portal to Opportunities

Clara Wheeler, Citizen of the Ebon Grounds

March 8, 2018

The constantly steaming manhole cover on Ankeny recently celebrated its eightieth consecutive week of emitting vapors. These fumes, that add to the mysterious atmosphere that enshrouds Ankeny like a shroud, likely stem from the fact that the manhole cover is a portal to an otherworldly dimension. The...

Sophomore Boy Tired of Being Mistaken for REI Mannequin

Annelise Ellingboe, Midnight Snacker, Local Snacker

March 8, 2018

Wednesday, 12 p.m.– Dressed in his usual plaid and Patagonia ensemble, Steven quietly sits across the table from me at Reid Cafe. A knit cap covers his unwashed hair and enormous hiking boots protect his feet from the harsh conditions of the indoors. The Wire contacted Steven after hearing about ...

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