Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 6
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Falafel Brothels, Man, That’s Where It’s At

Rebecca Gluck, Mother Glucker April 12, 2018

Since manufacturers recalled the Easy-Bake Oven, humans have been searching for something to replace the hole in their hearts that they thought could only be filled by pink baking racks and rock-hard muffins....

Spring Visitors’ Day Catfished Me

Ann Karneus, Calls It Like It Is April 12, 2018

We all know those idyllic, sunny photos of students hanging out on Ankeny that saturate Whitman’s website, brochures and very popular Instagram page. But most outsiders aren’t aware that this is a...

87 Percent of Students Crumbling Before Our Very Eyes

AE, Butt Munch April 12, 2018

Tuesday, 12:47 a.m.: At least twelve-hundred Whitman students have spontaneously turned to sand over the last two weeks. As papers and tests pile up, the confusing phenomenon has ravaged the campus, leaving...

Tree Near Jewett Looking Forward to Smelling like Shit Again

Clara Wheeler, Conspiracy Theorist April 5, 2018

The weather is warming up, people are getting hit in the head with frisbees and hammock cocoons are popping up all over campus. But nobody is more excited about the upcoming warmer spring weather than...

Wanted: One Ripe Young Safeway Shopper

Annie Stefanides, Member of SMGS W^2 April 5, 2018

Have you thought about playing the game Monopoly? I don’t mean the silly little board game that’s for children, I mean the real life, high-stakes, in-it-to-win-it Safeway Monopoly. Well, if you’re...

The Secret Life of the American Gaymer

Winston Weigand, The Dragonslayer April 5, 2018

My name’s Winston. For the most part, my life is totally normal. I have a family that I actively ignore, a rash that I’m too embarrassed to tell my doctor about and then there’s my friends. We do...

History Department to Fill Vacancy with Software

Chris Hankin, Handkerchief's Son April 1, 2018

Having tried unsuccessfully for two years to convince administration that students at a Liberal Arts school need to learn twentieth century American history, the department is experimenting with digital...

Student Production Droopy Drawers is a Delightful Tour De Force

Maude Lustig, Yegg March 29, 2018

First time playwright Andrew Gladwell made a splash in Whitman’s theater community with the premiere of his original play Droopy Drawers. The play centers around young man Peter as his attempts to achieve...

New Hero Strikes Fear into the Heart of Productivity

Clara Wheeler, Binge Verb-er March 29, 2018

With only two months left in the school year, the streets of Whitman College have become overrun with a nefarious foe: Productivity. Clubs are organizing events, professors are assigning essays and people...

5 Ways To Show Your Problematic Dream Man That You’re Not Like Other Girls

Ann Karneus, Impressed Gourd March 29, 2018

We’ve all been there, ladies. If you’re into men, you’ve most likely fallen prey to a certain type of irresistibly mediocre guy that gets your heart racing and your blood pumping. He doesn’t seem...

Steaming Manhole Cover a Portal to Opportunities

Clara Wheeler, Citizen of the Ebon Grounds March 8, 2018

The constantly steaming manhole cover on Ankeny recently celebrated its eightieth consecutive week of emitting vapors. These fumes, that add to the mysterious atmosphere that enshrouds Ankeny like a shroud,...

Tragic: Apolitical Man Can Only Identify with Memes

AQ, Swiffer Sniffer March 8, 2018

These have been, errr, less than trying times for Nick Petersmithson, but nevertheless times that have kept Nick on his toes, certainly! Nick recognizes the wide variety of hubbub littering his Facebook...

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