Tree Near Jewett Looking Forward to Smelling like Shit Again

Clara Wheeler, Conspiracy Theorist

The weather is warming up, people are getting hit in the head with frisbees and hammock cocoons are popping up all over campus. But nobody is more excited about the upcoming warmer spring weather than the ginkgo tree near Jewett that smells like shit.

“I finally get to start growing my leaves again, just really getting that color out there,” it said, happily shaking its now bare branches. “And of course my berries. Who doesn’t love my berries?” Ginkgo berries, which look and smell like bleached assholes, are a source of pride to many ginkgo trees and are a large contributor to the overall campus ambience.

Spots next to the shit smelling ginkgo tree are in hot demand. Later in the year, when the smell of vomit and old man farts reaches a peak, students will fight for nearby spots to do homework or play Circle Slap Ball Net Trampoline games with friends.

“I’m really looking forward to seeing all the students again, laughing and frolicking in my smell,” said the ginkgo tree. “It’s nice to be noticed and appreciated. Sometimes I think people forget about who I am in the winter. But they’ll learn. Oh, will they learn,” it continued as the skies darkened and the wind picked up.

“I’ll show them all the power of my musk! I’ll make them rue the day they walked by my trunk without feeling like they just walked into a puke palace!” As lightning crackled in the background, the tree coughed awkwardly, remembering to count to ten before doing anything rash. The sun came out again. Birds started chirping. “I mean, who doesn’t love spring?” It finished.