Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Illustration by Paloma Link.

A guide to being normal and having friends at Whitman

Isabella Hunter, Columnist April 28, 2022

In case you couldn’t read the room, this is satire.  I’m assuming you’re reading this because, let’s face it, you need the help. You’ve found yourself with nothing better to do on a Friday...

Administration begins threatening students to discourage them from staying on campus

Administration begins threatening students to discourage them from staying on campus

Ann Karneus, Squatter April 3, 2020

As the Whitman campus practically shut down and classes moved online in light of the global pandemic’s worsening situation, the administration has repeatedly urged students to pack up and go home. But...

After 3 Weeks of Intense Love-Making, the Dreaded ‘Talk’ Comes Up Again, and The Whitman Student Body is Here For It!

Maddie Ott, Soil Salesperson March 7, 2019

They had met at an outrageous Whitman party. Hormones surged as the potential couple began to high-key grind on each other. It all happened in a split second. The next morning they were spotted at Cleveland,...

Administration grants students a snow day!

Anthony Reale, Sigh Cook March 7, 2019

Let’s face it.  It has been a dismal three weeks.  No one remembers what the sun looks like, students are eating shit left and right, and the buildings are resembling those ice hotels they have up...

Whitman Student Relocates Third Time in One Hour After Getting No Homework Done at Previous Location

AQ, New Yorker Feature Writer and Cryer February 28, 2019

Martha has sh*t to get done before Spring Break. Last Saturday, Martha was resolved that she would at least get her reading and paper outline done. She reportedly sprung from her bed and headed out of...

Illustration by Elie Flanagan

Straight man has bombshell realization that ancient Greece was really gay

Ann Karneus, Tomb Raider's Elderly Aunt February 28, 2019

Earlier this week, reports surfaced detailing one straight man’s shocking revelation: men from Ancient Greece zealously partook in homoerotic activities. Zach Hunters — age 34, six years single, credit...

Illustration by Abby Takahashi

OCS finally commits murder to get a student to go abroad

Anthony Reale, Decaffeinated Honeydew Officer February 28, 2019

Whitman College was hit with another scandal Wednesday as Off-Campus Studies Director Theresa F. Uckoff was arrested for murder in the first degree. According to authorities, Uckoff had pieces of Whitman...

Miracle: Local White Person Hates White Supremacy and Now It Doesn’t Exist!

AQ, Record Label Manager February 24, 2019

Hip Hip Hooray! White supremacy is gone! All thanks to one special snowflake Connor Johnson who not only decided that white supremacy is indeed bad, but stated he “hates” it. The Wire sends its largest...

Op-Ed: I vaccinated my kid and now he’s a nerd

CJ Fritz, Miss South Dakota Runner Up 1967 February 24, 2019

This is what they warned me about. I assumed it was fake news. I thought it couldn’t happen to me. Not my family. Last week, my son was such a chill, cool kid. He rarely turned in his homework, flirted...

Mystery Solved: Professor revealed to be garden gnome

Maddie Ott, Ground Beef Donation February 24, 2019

In the beginning, there was the sense of suspicion. Dressed in an elaborate linen lederhosen, and topped with a homemade knit cap, Professor Chuckles L. Smiley only drew stares from her classes. Rumors...

Illustration by Abby Takahashi

Bluewood excited to announce new technique for keeping students at P&P

Anthony Reale, Unofficial Bullhorn February 24, 2019

The Power & Privilege Symposium has partnered with Bluewood Ski Resort for the last 20 years now, after the discovery that some people use the day off to “shred the gnar.” P&P and the Ski Resort...

Ground Crew Gives Up

Maddie Ott, Famous Plaintaff from Kraft Foods vs. The United States February 14, 2019

As they gather at the physical plant, the general mood is somber. With heavy hearts they turn their heads to face the storm. Holding hands in solidarity, they stare out the window, unified against the...

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