Whitman Wire

Administration begins threatening students to discourage them from staying on campus

Administration begins threatening students to discourage them from staying on campus
April 3, 2020

As the Whitman campus practically shut down and classes moved online in light of the global pandemic’s worsening situation, the administration has repeatedly urged students to pack up and go home. But...

After 3 Weeks of Intense Love-Making, the Dreaded ‘Talk’ Comes Up Again, and The Whitman Student Body is Here For It!

March 7, 2019

They had met at an outrageous Whitman party. Hormones surged as the potential couple began to high-key grind on each other. It all happened in a split second. The next morning they were spotted at Cleveland,...

Administration grants students a snow day!

March 7, 2019

Let’s face it.  It has been a dismal three weeks.  No one remembers what the sun looks like, students are eating shit left and right, and the buildings are resembling those ice hotels they have up...

Whitman Student Relocates Third Time in One Hour After Getting No Homework Done at Previous Location

February 28, 2019

Martha has sh*t to get done before Spring Break. Last Saturday, Martha was resolved that she would at least get her reading and paper outline done. She reportedly sprung from her bed and headed out of...

Straight man has bombshell realization that ancient Greece was really gay

Illustration by Elie Flanagan
February 28, 2019

Earlier this week, reports surfaced detailing one straight man’s shocking revelation: men from Ancient Greece zealously partook in homoerotic activities. Zach Hunters — age 34, six years single, credit...

OCS finally commits murder to get a student to go abroad

Illustration by Abby Takahashi
February 28, 2019

Whitman College was hit with another scandal Wednesday as Off-Campus Studies Director Theresa F. Uckoff was arrested for murder in the first degree. According to authorities, Uckoff had pieces of Whitman...

Miracle: Local White Person Hates White Supremacy and Now It Doesn’t Exist!

February 24, 2019

Hip Hip Hooray! White supremacy is gone! All thanks to one special snowflake Connor Johnson who not only decided that white supremacy is indeed bad, but stated he “hates” it. The Wire sends its largest...

Op-Ed: I vaccinated my kid and now he’s a nerd

February 24, 2019

This is what they warned me about. I assumed it was fake news. I thought it couldn’t happen to me. Not my family. Last week, my son was such a chill, cool kid. He rarely turned in his homework, flirted...

Mystery Solved: Professor revealed to be garden gnome

February 24, 2019

In the beginning, there was the sense of suspicion. Dressed in an elaborate linen lederhosen, and topped with a homemade knit cap, Professor Chuckles L. Smiley only drew stares from her classes. Rumors...

Bluewood excited to announce new technique for keeping students at P&P

Illustration by Abby Takahashi
February 24, 2019

The Power & Privilege Symposium has partnered with Bluewood Ski Resort for the last 20 years now, after the discovery that some people use the day off to “shred the gnar.” P&P and the Ski Resort...

Ground Crew Gives Up

February 14, 2019

As they gather at the physical plant, the general mood is somber. With heavy hearts they turn their heads to face the storm. Holding hands in solidarity, they stare out the window, unified against the...

Big Tobacco begins drowning smokers to lower lung cancer statistic

February 14, 2019

On Monday, Big Tobacco rolled out its newest marketing campaign for smokers. For years, scientific evidence has conclusively proved that smoking causes several types of cancer, especially lung cancer....

Load more stories
Whitman news since 1896
satire