Op-Ed: I vaccinated my kid and now he’s a nerd

CJ Fritz, Miss South Dakota Runner Up 1967

This is what they warned me about. I assumed it was fake news. I thought it couldn’t happen to me. Not my family.

Last week, my son was such a chill, cool kid. He rarely turned in his homework, flirted with every girl he could find and refused to listen to me. How I wish I could have that time back. I wish for the days when he would pee all over the toilet seat and scratch his nuts in public.

All we did was go to the doctor for a routine visit.

The doctor was shocked to hear my little Chet had never been vaccinated before, and she insisted that we give Chetty the flu shot. I warned her of my concerns, but she assured me that they were all myths.

Chet didn’t care about the vaccine. Classic Chet, too cool to care.

He got his vaccine and seemed fine on the ride home, but when we arrived at home, he asked if he could have some silent reading time. My worst fears were realized. The vaccine was already turning him into a nerd.

I asked if he wanted to go to Hooters for dinner. He said he would prefer the Dino Diner. INSTEAD OF HOOTERS.

Since my living nightmare began, I have been horrified by the flood of emails from impressed teachers. Apparently, Chet has been “showing up to class,” and “listening actively,” while “respecting his peers.” I cry myself to sleep at night.

I didn’t want it to be true, but after watching Chet’s gruesome transformation, I now know that our government is administering vaccines to our children to turn them all into nerds.

I understand that vaccines save lives, but we as a society must make a decision: is a long, healthy life more important than being super fucking dope? No chance. Rest in peace Chet, I’ll never forget you.