Whitman Student Relocates Third Time in One Hour After Getting No Homework Done at Previous Location

AQ, New Yorker Feature Writer and Cryer

Martha has sh*t to get done before Spring Break. Last Saturday, Martha was resolved that she would at least get her reading and paper outline done. She reportedly sprung from her bed and headed out of her home because she knew she would get distracted there. She headed to the town’s hit coffee shop Patisserie and was pleased to find that there was one spot left at the large community table. Just as she began to work in silence among the controlled hustle bustle, she knew she was in trouble. Sweet ol’ Ad, a beloved town elder seated right next to Martha, spotted his friend Fred who he had not seen for 28 years!

“Where the hell have you been?” Ad reported to yell across the table in a dusty, guttural tone. Martha packed her things and left, stating “there was nothing left for me there.” She was lucky she had yet to order a beverage because as soon as she got up, another student swooped right into her spot with noise cancelling headphones.

She shuffled back into academia land and walked straight into Reid Campus Center. It had only been 20 minutes since her first move to get her homework done. Reid was also packed, more so than usual on a Saturday morning. The only spots open were downstairs. As she sat down, however, it became apparent that she would need to leave when the classic rock radio blared Peter Frampton’s 1975 hit “Baby I Love Your Way.”

“It was a good decision. On the way out they were playing AC/DC’s ‘Thunderstruck.’” Martha remarked.

She at last found herself in Penrose’s confines, and was ready to finally get sh*t done. Unfortunately, she was approached by three friends and caught up for the next 20 minutes, got lunch and talked for another two hours. This made Martha tired, so she went home and took a nap.

Martha is just one example of this unfortunate trend taking our campus like storm. If you struggle with any of these difficulties, do NOT hesitate to contact the Memorial Building’s Dean of Students to help manage your workload.