Whitman Wire

After 3 Weeks of Intense Love-Making, the Dreaded ‘Talk’ Comes Up Again, and The Whitman Student Body is Here For It!

Maddie Ott, Soil Salesperson

March 7, 2019


Filed under Humor

They had met at an outrageous Whitman party. Hormones surged as the potential couple began to high-key grind on each other. It all happened in a split second. The next morning they were spotted at Cleveland, delicately sipping on soy lattes, and then literally in the next two days they were spotted hold...

Whitman Student Relocates Third Time in One Hour After Getting No Homework Done at Previous Location

Ashlyn Quintus, New Yorker Feature Writer and Cryer

February 28, 2019


Filed under Humor

Martha has sh*t to get done before Spring Break. Last Saturday, Martha was resolved that she would at least get her reading and paper outline done. She reportedly sprung from her bed and headed out of her home because she knew she would get distracted there. She headed to the town’s hit coffee shop ...

Mystery Solved: Professor revealed to be garden gnome

Maddie Ott, Ground Beef Donation

February 24, 2019


Filed under Humor

In the beginning, there was the sense of suspicion. Dressed in an elaborate linen lederhosen, and topped with a homemade knit cap, Professor Chuckles L. Smiley only drew stares from her classes. Rumors floated around campus earlier that year that there was a professor who lived a double life as a gard...

Whitman changes mascot to Shrek to break Whitman bubble, integrate local onion culture

Whitman changes mascot to Shrek to break Whitman bubble, integrate local onion culture

Annelise Ellingboe, Imitation Freegan

September 28, 2018


Filed under Humor

Wednesday, 4p.m. — In response to the student body’s outcry for a change, President Kathy Murray and Dean of Students Kazi Joshua have issued a joint statement declaring that Whitman College’s mascot, The Blue Mountains, will change yet again to Shrek. The statement comes on the heels of rally...

Sorority Recruitment Kicks Off With New Acrobatics Portion of the Selection Process

Maude Lustig, Hot "No Diggity" Dog

September 24, 2018


Filed under Humor

Disclaimer: The Wire must disclose that the author of the following article did not “get into” the sorority she wanted during rush. But she is NOT bitter. She made that very clear to us. Well, it’s been two weeks since school started, and you know what that means: it’s time for first-year...

Area dog owners fed up with unpaid labor

CJ Fritz, Amateur Porcupine Hugger

September 23, 2018


Filed under Humor

A crisis in unpaid labor is gripping the Walla Walla area. Exploitative practices and unchecked privilege have led to the abuse of some of the area’s most important workers: dogs. For 150 years, Whitman College students have capitalized off of canine unpaid emotional labor, and area dog owners...

87 Percent of Students Crumbling Before Our Very Eyes

Annelise Ellingboe, Butt Munch

April 12, 2018


Filed under Humor

Tuesday, 12:47 a.m.: At least twelve-hundred Whitman students have spontaneously turned to sand over the last two weeks. As papers and tests pile up, the confusing phenomenon has ravaged the campus, leaving stressed students afraid that they, too, will crumble. The most recent case has shaken close ...

The Future of Encounters

The Future of Encounters

Andrew Schwartz

March 8, 2018


Filed under FEATURE, Front Page Slideshow

Review documents, as well as interviews with numerous faculty, show the philosophical and political stakes of the debates around the future of Whitman College’s “signature program.”

Sophomore Boy Tired of Being Mistaken for REI Mannequin

Annelise Ellingboe, Midnight Snacker, Local Snacker

March 8, 2018


Filed under Humor

Wednesday, 12 p.m.– Dressed in his usual plaid and Patagonia ensemble, Steven quietly sits across the table from me at Reid Cafe. A knit cap covers his unwashed hair and enormous hiking boots protect his feet from the harsh conditions of the indoors. The Wire contacted Steven after hearing about ...

Tokenization in Greek Life

Jordon Crawford, Columnist

March 1, 2018


Filed under OPINION

As an international student, my idea of Greek Life was very tainted. On one hand, you had the rich, stuck-up jocks who took pleasure in being called “Frat Boys” and in hazing pledges. On the other side, there were the female counterparts in sororities who reminded me of the evil trio from the movie...

Pio Past: Contextualizing the Symposium

Christy Carley and Martina Pansze

February 19, 2018


Filed under Front Page Slideshow, NEWS

"Assuming that the seriousness of racial issues can be measured by the publicly visible incidents brought to the attention of our entire community is problematic." -Veronica Willeto, published on Nov. 9, 2006 in the "Let's Talk About Race" Pamphlet distributed at the first Race Relations and Community Sy...

Narcissa Whitman Painting Defaced

Narcissa Whitman Painting Defaced

Rachel Needham, Staff Reporter

October 31, 2017


Filed under Front Page Slideshow, NEWS

On the morning of Monday, Oct. 9, Prentiss Hall custodians arrived at work to find that the portrait of Narcissa Whitman hanging in the Great Room had been defaced overnight. Accompanying the black spray-paint covering Narcissa’s face was an anonymously-written note which reads: “In 1836, Marcus...

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