87 Percent of Students Crumbling Before Our Very Eyes

AE, Butt Munch

Tuesday, 12:47 a.m.: At least twelve-hundred Whitman students have spontaneously turned to sand over the last two weeks. As papers and tests pile up, the confusing phenomenon has ravaged the campus, leaving stressed students afraid that they, too, will crumble. The most recent case has shaken close friends of the victim to their cores. Some of them were present for the event;  Joey Jabrowsko was scarfing down his dinner at a table at the library while studying for a test he had the next day, after not doing any of the homework for the class all semester. He received a text from his mom asking him if he had “Applied for that summer job yet? ?” and Joey suddenly turned to a pile of dirt. Joey is not alone. The condition is terrifyingly common this time of year. Early warning signs of the condition include being unable to sleep, procrastinating, not calling your mom enough, watching Fox News, taking excessively long bathroom breaks during class and drinking Monster. If you are experiencing any of these symptoms, or have recently contracted The Crumble, be sure to contact the Counseling Center. Also, if you witness A Crumbling, be sure to report it to The Wire Crumble Hotline. The administration is planning on issuing a statement, but not doing anything else.