Whitman Wire

Administration grants students a snow day!

Anthony Reale, Sigh Cook

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Let’s face it.  It has been a dismal three weeks.  No one remembers what the sun looks like, students are eating shit left and right, and the buildings are resembling those ice hotels they have up in Canada.

Students, after subsisting on solely frozen water for two weeks, began protesting the Administration’s “No Snow Day Ever, Bitches!!” Policy.  The students felt that enough was enough, and decided to take the ice to the administrators in Memorial Hall.

Last Monday, 300 students marched into Memorial Hall holding as much snow and ice as they could carry.  They built 60 snowmen on the main floor of Memorial in hopes that the Administrators would understand the pain of trekking through snow while being concerned about work.

“We thought that this would be the best way to let those Mem-SNORE-ial workers know what it’s like outside the warm walls of their hall” said junior Willowtreebranch Fartflower.

Despite Fartflower’s seemingly foolproof plan, students were disappointed to find that Memorial soon resembled a summertime pool party than a wintry hellhole.  Administrators from all floors of the building donned their swimming costumes, flipping off the protesting students whilst taking a dip in the water.

However, the protestors found some success after continually crying for forty-five minutes.  The Administrators took pity on Fartflower and the other students, promising the coveted snow day to the students.  This news was met with cheers from the students and tears from the Administrators who voted against giving the students what they needed.

The students unfortunately did not read the fine print of the 45,078 page document that they were then handed by the Administration, resulting in a snow day being planned for March 14th––a day right in the middle of break.  The document also allowed Director of Communications and Failed Facebook Groups Grosh Grensen to insert a listening device directly into the spleen of every student.

It is important to note that this is a momentous occasion for student-Administration relations.  Never once have they listened before, so despite the trickery, each and every Whitman student can look forward to better relations with the Imperial Overlords in the future.

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Administration grants students a snow day!