History Department to Fill Vacancy with Software

Chris Hankin, Handkerchief's Son

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Having tried unsuccessfully for two years to convince administration that students at a Liberal Arts school need to learn twentieth century American history, the department is experimenting with digital alternatives. ProfessorBot is a program that simulates the pedagogy and knowledge of a Princeton PHd level academic, without need for sick leave or even sabbatical.

Upon entering the classroom, students will simply yell questions into the room, that will be equipped with cloud-computing and access to academic resources like JSTOR, Google Scholar and Sherlock. The voice will be like Scarlett Johansson in “Her.”

The program was designed by Amazon CEO Jeff Bezos, who said upon completion, “honestly, I just want people to shut up and buy things. This seemed like a good way to facilitate that.” Whitman purchased the software through grant from Microsoft, who declined to comment.

Students in CS420 have been personalizing the software to more smoothly transition into the Whitman community. Senior Codey Download has spearheaded replacing twentieth century American History.

“Our attitude has always been that we need to make sure students take a broad range of classes like American History, but that ultimately those classes really just aren’t important at all. I think this is a great solution because it saves the school money on salaries and the like that could be better spent bringing PitchBook and Amazon to campus. Comp Sci rules, bro!”

ProfessorBot will go into effect at the start of the 2018-2019 school year, and it is expected that Classics will soon follow suit.

Download applauded the implementation. “Latin is a dead language, anyways. Why study that crap when you could be learning Python, Java, C++?? Honestly, I would bet money that within 10 years we replace Maxey with a BitCoin mining facility, and I for one would advocate turning the Sheehan Gallery into a computer lab.”

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