New Hero Strikes Fear into the Heart of Productivity

Clara Wheeler, Binge Verb-er

With only two months left in the school year, the streets of Whitman College have become overrun with a nefarious foe: Productivity. Clubs are organizing events, professors are assigning essays and people are getting stuff done. Never fear, those who have yet to be struck by this enemy of entertainment, a new hero is in town, one who looks at his syllabi to see how much class he can actually miss and still pass, one who is unable to accomplish much of anything: Señior Apathy.

Cloaked in his hero’s garb of sweatpants, slippers and yesterday’s t-shirt, Señior Apathy spends most of his days successfully fighting Productivity. When faced with a thesis, three essays and an IM Ping Pong tournament, Señior Apathy will simply say, “Eh, I’m graduating in two months anyway” and then go take a nap. Truly a hero for the ages.

Whitman’s new champion can effortlessly fight against Productivity, Commitment and Responsibility at once, though encounters with Adulthood leave Señior Apathy shaken. The latest fight with Taxes, one of Adulthood Man’s many minions, caused Señior Apathy to actually get something done. “Sometimes,” Señior Apathy said to his many fans and followers, “You have to lose the wars to win the battles.”

A recent battle with Adulthood Man has left Señior Apathy crippled with anxiety. All Adulthood Man had to say was “So, what are your plans after graduation?” and Señior Apathy was left in a corner, sobbing “I don’t know! I don’t know!” repeatedly. Some say that thinking about the future is Señior Apathy’s one and only weakness.

At press time, Señior Apathy’s sidekick Netflix was comforting him and reminding him that moving into his parents’ basement is a perfectly valid option.