E-cigs Turn Beta Members into X-men

Kyle Seasly

Beta Chain Smokers

It’s often called a “smoker’s paradox” or a “surprising situation involving cigarettes,” but once again, God has laughed in the face of science at the Beta Theta Pi fraternity.

It seems that the house to the west of Tau Kappa Epsilon has begun to develop superhuman abilities of the X-Men variety. Their spokesman, senior Wiley Mucus, approached The Pioneer in a wheelchair and bald head when interviewed last Saturday.

Mucus comments that many visitors to the Beta house are initially shocked by the change.

“It all started when regular cigarettes started getting too mainstream. So we at the Beta house decided to switch to e-cigarettes,” he said.

Another Beta, Dean O’Nutty, stated the change was for appearance’s sake only.

“We all  just wanted to look like bounty hunters from the future,” he said.

It seems their efforts have worked since their physical appearances have changed––slowly but surely.  One Beta in particular, Soel O’Nhea has become especially tall and hairy.

“Well, he was already like that. But that stuff in the e-cigs really does mess with your DNA. I can make stuff float now, like Dr. Manhattan or whatever,” said O’Nutty.

Indeed, some Betas began to turn blue, develop powers of invisibility and look like Hugh Jackman. This was quickly met with a huge contribution from Marvel, after an agreement to do a documentary on the house.

“It’s essentially the white every weekend now thanks to Marvel,” said Mucus, puffing away on his e-cig.