Nukes All Around!


Photo by Tywen Kelly

The mushroom cloud. It’s glorious, with its distinctive, curled shape and its enormous size. Could there be a better end to the world? During World War II, when nuclear technology was just beginning to emerge, “Fat Man” and “Little Boy” obliterated almost eight square miles in Hiroshima and Nagasaki.

With newer technology, we can go out with an even bigger bang.

When it is time for the human race to end, there is simply no better option than to induce it with a nuclear bomb. Firstly, it shows the pure strength of the United States. We were the first to deploy a bomb, so why not be the last? This is why we have been restricting other countries from developing nuclear weapons–we want to keep control of the end of the world in our own hands.

Some opponents are worried that a nuclear bomb might not have the capacity to fully destroy the human race. They are ignorant of the power of nuclear weaponry.

By the time we are ready to construct the bomb, we will have found and extracted all of the earth’s uranium and plutonium. With nothing left to lose, we can use the entirety of both to make nuclear artillery. While we do not currently have a precise estimation of the amount of radioactive materials we will need, scientists are confident that we will have enough to build dozens of bombs.

We will be able to completely destroy the human race by dropping these bombs on all of the world’s major cities. Most of the world’s populations will live there already! But, have no fear. The individuals who don’t die in the first round of bombs will certainly be destroyed by incredible exposure to radiation. The only human who can withstand such lethal radiation is Donald Drumpf, who we anticipate will be circling the globe in his private spacecraft laughing as he watches the whole event.

However, the most enticing part about nuking the world to its death is really the showmanship. Picture yourself at the Magic Kingdom fireworks show with Mickey at your side. The magnificent explosions drown out the marching band playing “When you wish upon a star,” and the Disney Castle is illuminated. Now imagine an explosion one million times that extravagant.


It will be extraordinary.