Trunk and Supporters Storm Convention

Adam Heyman, Opinion Editor

Cleveland, Ohio (AP)–On Thursday the 21 of July presidential candidate and business magnate Richard Trunk, known to his most ardent supporters as Dick Trunk, stormed out of the 2016 Republican national convention after a controversial rejection for the party candidacy, heading straight to a pre-scheduled outdoor press conference.

After taking the stage and preforming his usual tirade against the minorities and disenfranchised groups of America – African Americans, Muslims, women, Mexicans, Asians, Canadians, people with small hands and Monica Lewinsky – Trunk invited several other major social and political figures on stage for a special moment. David Duke, Justin Bieber, Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, Bernie Madoff skyping from prison, ghosts ranging from Ronald Reagan to Richard Nixon and a host of other self-serving white people took the podium.

In a historical moment, Trunk and his colony of privileged white supporters announced that they were forming a new political party that would return America to its best days of global intervention, back room dealings, conspiracies against the greater population and war profiteering. The announcement of his new Know Everything Party was meant by a chorus of “Yeehaws!” and a barrage of automatic rifle fire into the night sky.