Whitman Wire

Tragic: Apolitical Man Can Only Identify with Memes

Ashlyn Quintus, Swiffer Sniffer

March 8, 2018

These have been, errr, less than trying times for Nick Petersmithson, but nevertheless times that have kept Nick on his toes, certainly! Nick recognizes the wide variety of hubbub littering his Facebook feed in the last year or so, and through these observations, noticed that people are mad and angry...

Helpful Hilda, An ‘Advice’ Column

Helpful Hilda, Another Hilda, Just More Helpful

March 1, 2018

Hilda, I’m writing from a stop light. It is red, and as far as I know, that means stop. I must admit, I do not  have a license and have done very little driving in general, so this has been a very difficult road trip that I volunteered to host in a car I found with keys in the ignition outside...

Local Man/Hero goes to one (1) P&P talk instead of treating the day like a holiday

Annelise Ellingboe, Your Worst Nightmare

March 1, 2018

Thursday, 1 p.m., PST– A local hero, who wishes to remain unnamed, has made history today after changing his mind about treating Power and Privilege like simply a day off of school, and attending a single talk. The unidentified white man left his frat at 10:30 a.m., hoping to just go grab a snack...

Nose Piercings Now Mandatory for Whitman Students

Rebecca Gluck, Complicit

March 1, 2018

You may have heard that Whitman College recently made some changes to its college application requirements. For one, submitting standardized test scores is now optional. Students no longer have to feel guilty about failing the SAT after their family spent millions of dollars on an under-qualified tutor...

Local “Reid Rat” Anthony Reale Found Squatting in Reid Campus Center

Winston Weigand, Always Angry About Anthony's Edits

March 1, 2018

On Monday night, the Walla Walla Police Department responded to an urgent report that someone was found after-hours in the basement of Whitman College’s Reid Campus Center. According to a member of the college’s Office of Security, they saw lights coming from the lower windows of the building around...

Whitman Campus Tours Now Extend to Walkthrough of Unfinished Residence Hall

Ann Karneus, Wormy Boi

March 1, 2018

This past month, the Whitman admissions office has extended official campus tours to include coverage of the new residence hall, which is scheduled to open by the beginning of the 2018-2019 school year. Prospective students and parents alike now are able to climb ladders and scaffolding around the...

Look Out Youse Guys! It’s Pisces Season!

Maude Lustig, Inventor of the See-Food Diet

March 1, 2018

UH OH! It’s that time of year again: a day between Feb. 19 and Mar. 20, AKA Pisces Season! Pisces, whose symbol is two fish swimming in opposite directions, are often linked with harmony and emotions. Yet as water signs, Pisces have a reputation for being emotional and wishy-washy. Here’s what you...

Again!? Fell Asleep With Both Socks On and Woke Up with Just One

Ashlyn Quintus, Professional Critic of Reid Cuisine

February 22, 2018

Another lively event has shaken, yet again, the campus of Whitman College. For the third time this week, a junior student has gone to bed with both socks certainly on their feet, but woken up with just one. The student stated, “I guess one of them just fell off in the middle of the night. I’m pretty...

Urban Dictionary Phased Out By Parent Company, To Be Replaced By Rural Thesaurus

Clara Wheeler, Southern Bell

February 22, 2018

You’ve heard of Urban Dictionary, but now it’s time to get ready for the newest trend in making the vernacular accessible to all – Rural Thesaurus. Rural Thesaurus offers thousands of new synonyms for our provincial pals to expand their vocabulary and for city folk to communicate better with them...

15 Things You Wouldn’t Expect To Not Do With a Corn Tortilla

Annie Stefanides, Girl with the Grey Streak

February 22, 2018

Be gluten free Slap your friends Cut into a doily for aesthetic reasons Soak up spilled liquids Take notes on in class Feed the ducks Use as a floaty device when your boat capsizes Tell all your darkest secrets to it Play a round of frisbee golf Wear as a crop-top to the party...

P&P Battens Down the Hatches as the White Feminists Approach, Rubbing their Hands Voraciously

Anthony Reale, Line Pusher

February 22, 2018

Power and Privilege faces yet again the onslaught of white feminists as the Symposium’s date approaches.  This problem, a yearly challenge for the planners of P&P, returns yet again in the form of Starbucks-wielding, social media-posting, pussy hat-wearing people.  The strength of white feminis...

I Have Never Peed My Pants and I Never Will!!!!!!!!!

Maude Lustig, Cereal Killer

February 15, 2018

I have never peed my pants, and I never will! Yessiree, this girl’s got excellent bladder control. I can go all day without a single leak. A lot of people are surprised when I tell them that. They say, “really, you’ve never peed your pants? Never?” as if somehow it’s normal to pee your pants. Actually,...

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