Uh-oh: Carry-on Crisis Cracks Criminal Crab’s Crisp ‘Calm’ Countenance

Winston Weigand, Future Survivor Contestant

On the morning of February 9, a large and very noisy disturbance was underway at the JFK airport in Queens, New York. Some witnesses reported hearing the commotion from hundreds of yards away, sitting in their cars in the arrivals lane and taking way too fucking long to get out and load their grandma’s stuff into the trunk. The source of this ruckus? President Donald J. Trump was detained by the TSA on his way to Air Force One.

While the details of the event were initially unclear, it is now known that multiple concerned passersby notified the airport of a suitcase that seemed to be moving and speaking. In an effort to intercept the suitcase, TSA employees tracked it down and found it in the hands of Trump, who was not walking but instead gliding on a duct-taped platform made of those scooter boards from gym class that always ran over your fingers. Upon inspection, the First Lady of the United States, Melania Trump, was found inside the luggage, sweaty and stinky but otherwise okay. One bystander described hearing her exclaim “Naj te koklja brcne!”—Slovenian for “Let the mother hen kick you.”

When news reporters questioned Trump about this mysterious yet altogether not unsurprising behavior, he remarked that he wasn’t familiar with the rules and regulations applied to hazardous materials “such as women.”