NFL Player’s Neck Becomes Sentient and Escapes, Kills 73 Spectators

Annie Stefanides, Quiplash Master

Twas a dark and stormy Sunday evening in February, and all eyes were on the true super-heroes of America: the modern day football player. As the giant stallions galloped around the field, biceps bulging and neck veins popping, an evil force was brewing inside one of the players. All of a sudden, a loud rumble shook the stadium and the biggest man on the field collapsed to his knees in utter pain while the people watched, but did not help (in true American fashion), as the stump just below his head but above his shoulders tore off of his body and grew into a colossal, horrific, tree trunk. The trunk whirled around the stadium, killing all of the most loyal fans in its wake, and then simply shriveled up to live its remaining days as a sapling. This terrifying night left many people asking the question: why?

It’s no secret that each year brings new standards and expectations to live up to for the pig-skin throwers. But what is seldom known amongst football-loving spectators is the players’ desire for a neck the size of an average pine tree, considered to be the ultimate beauty mark. An interview with one football-er, who wishes to stay anonymous, revealed that it was common in the football community for neck insecurities to run rampant. Worst of all, and what may explain the killer tree trunk incident, is how some achieve a thick neck; most try to stay honest and perform typical neckcercises, but some stray and turn to neckjections. These are prepared by hiking for days to the biggest tree in the county and then collecting the sap to be turned into a concoction of tree juice and power.

Some players are relieved to have this dirty secret become public news as they hope more people will talk about what was previously a hush-hush topic, but others could care less. One football fan was overheard saying “I don’t care as long as they don’t try to force nothin’ on me, and as long as I still got an excuse to drink beer in my recliner on Sundays.”