I Have Never Peed My Pants and I Never Will!!!!!!!!!

Maude Lustig, Cereal Killer

I have never peed my pants, and I never will! Yessiree, this girl’s got excellent bladder control. I can go all day without a single leak. A lot of people are surprised when I tell them that. They say, “really, you’ve never peed your pants? Never?” as if somehow it’s normal to pee your pants.

Actually, peeing in your pants is disgusting and wrong. Do NOT normalize it. I would never give into such immoral and perverted behavior. Not once have my pants been darkened by that shameful crotch stain. No, this bladder is like a steel trap.

Okay, well, I guess when I was in high school there were a couple close calls. I was on the cross country team and once or twice during a race there would be a slight mishap. But that was totally beyond my control, that was a medical condition. Now I’ve done my kegels and my pelvic floor is like, really strong you guys.

And like, I’m not counting when I was like a baby or whatever. If I peed in my diapers that totally doesn’t count. Diapers aren’t pants, and I wasn’t even potty trained yet so I didn’t even KNOW how to go to the bathroom. Honestly, I kinda resent having to bring that up right now.

I know what you’re thinking–what about when I’m old? Well I’ll tell you this: I’ll be keepin it tight even when I’m elderly, don’t doubt that. And by it I mean my urethra. So you don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be just fine.