Urban Dictionary Phased Out By Parent Company, To Be Replaced By Rural Thesaurus

Clara Wheeler, Southern Bell

You’ve heard of Urban Dictionary, but now it’s time to get ready for the newest trend in making the vernacular accessible to all – Rural Thesaurus. Rural Thesaurus offers thousands of new synonyms for our provincial pals to expand their vocabulary and for city folk to communicate better with them country folk. We here at the Wire have chosen a few of our favorites to share with you all.

Shindig (noun) hootenanny, shindy, floor-tickler, party-popper, barn-basher, tractor-smasher, hay-crasher, skippin’ chores the next day, draining the moonshine. The origin of this word came from back when Ma Myrtle killed her prized hog, buried its shin bones somewhere behind her house, and offered a prize to whoever could find them. The whole town showed up and there was such fancy steppin’ and getting three sheets to the wind that Ma Myrtle had to bust out her reserve bottles of apple scumble.

Cattywampus (adjective), helter-skelter, like a june bug in July, off-kilter ‘til supper, like a preacher in Satan’s bum hole, snickersneed up the Christmas tree, hunky dory for taint and glory. Cattywampus originated from when little Louella (you know, Jeb’s girl) had a cat with an infected cut, and wouldn’t you know it, that cat done got lost in the marsh. Don’t you fret your head over it though, they found that pussy pussy, and soon got it cleaned up and sorted out real nice.

Grab a root (verb) snag a tuber, tear off a sugar neck, skedaddle out ‘til high noon, preach to the sun, reckon fit for a varmint, herd crawdads like a snake in September, gussy up and slap your granny. The origin of the phrase “grabbing a root” is unknown, but it has more uses than it doesn’t.

With Rural Thesaurus, now you too can communicate with people outside of cities! So put on your clod-hoppers, jump on the back of a horse-drawn pickup truck, and zest yourself on over to gramma’s barn!