Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIII, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Three Tips for the Fashionable Feminist

Illustration by MaryAnne Bowen

Ladies (and those of you who don’t identify with the normative role of “ladies” but are still interested in spring trends), it’s that time of year again! We know y’all are ready for the latest spring fashion trends that are endlessly chic and also happen to smash the patriarchy. Can I get an “amen” (or a different word if you don’t necessarily identify with Christianity or with any form of religion)?

From its conception, the American fashion industry has been predominantly crowded with unattainable beauty goals glorifying the starved white woman. However, in recent years things have been improving! Incredibly brave companies like H&M have shown us that it’s totally okay if you’re not a size zero as long as you are white and have a perfectly symmetrical face. What would we do without such progressive thinkers? Other brands, like Aerie, have vowed to stop photoshopping their images of models. Their authentic advertising campaigns prove that women can actually look kind of okay even with horrific blemishes, such as a microscopic tattoo, or with (gasp!) a few misplaced strands of hair. Who knew?

In honor of these exceptionally courageous companies’ efforts to use feminist values as a profitable marketing tool, here are some fabulous feminist spring fashion trends. You’re welcome, world.

1)   High Wheels

Are you tired of wearing high heels? Do you think that they serve the sole purpose of making it harder to run away from a man? Well, now you can wear high wheels. Dior recently came out with the revolutionary must-have product, which is a hybrid of wheelies and high heels. Each pair features five-inch platform heels attached to small, rollerblade-like wheels.

Dior Chief Designer Saf Rimons also mentioned an exciting extension line of accessories inspired by the high wheels, which is currently in the works.

“We are confident that women will love our new product, and when they break their ankles while wearing the high wheels, they can now limp around in style. We are creating a line of casts that will come in all sorts of colors and fun prints. My favorite shade so far is ‘chinchilla gray.’ It’s daring without being too obvious,” said Rimons.

2)   Pink Patagonia Jackets

We like to think of ourselves as colorblind. However, it has come to our attention that Whitman College is seriously lacking diversity. Did you know that 83.5 percent of the Patagonia jackets on campus are “glass blue”? Well, now you can help change this by indulging in Patagonia’s new line of “vagina pink” jackets for spring. Disrupt the normative flow of blue with a feminine jacket that just screams, “Screw you, patriarchy.” (This is completely invalid, of course, if you choose not to associate certain colors with certain genders, which we totally respect.)

3) Nudity

Can’t wait for the Beer Mile? Well, what better way to celebrate the female body than to frolic in the nude? That’s right, people, now is the time to let those boobs sag, those butts jiggle and those thighs touch as you run around Ankeny Field in the buff like the goddesses y’all are. It’s totally okay if your body is not perfect because the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty said so (as long as you purchase their Cool Moisture Body Wash at Target for $7.99)!

We know what y’all are thinking. High wheels, “vagina pink” Patagonia jackets and nudity? Finally!

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