3 Descriptions of Tabor Articles

Tristan Gavin

Tabor Martinsen is a frequent writer for the Backpage known for outrageous lists and numerical rankings of silly concepts. To further thrust young Tabor into the humor spotlight, I have compiled a numbered list of his articles and joined in the Taboring fun!

1. 5 Reasons Why Whitman is Turning into North Korea. Five reasons I love this: 1) North Korea and Whitman are obviously NOT the same … right? I mean, one’s a city-state in Eastern Europe and the other is a famous poet. 2) The dining hall food IS bad. Have you been reading my diary, Taby Baby? That would totally be him. 3) George Bridges isn’t a dictator, but if he were, Tabor would probably get decapitated. Edgy. Classic. 4) Conspiracy theories. I love them. Does Cordiner Hall even exist? Does anyone read this stuff? 5) Teletubbies reference. When was the last time you watched that show? With the baby as a sun. Babies aren’t stars––they are just babies, silly!

2. Top 3 Overused Phrases at Whitman. Top three things I learned from this article: 1) The Backpage puzzles are always cryptic. Thht’s si Whitte? Is this Spanish? Did someone misspell “white”? Is that racist? 2) Tabor has received way too many partially-used gift cards. Is that even a thing? And Flo Rida? How about a spoiler alert? 3) Someone please hang out with Tabor. 99 people didn’t.

3. New Year’s Resolutions. My resolutions after reading it: 1) Find a way to incorporate Drake lyrics, Tebowing, Pinterest and jaywalking into every lede, regardless of the article. 2) Unimagine Tabor saying, “Oooh, that feels nice” at TSA checkpoints. 3) Help Tabor in his quest to get famous. You’re welcome for the publicity, bud. Anything to keep you from sleeping with John Mayer. 4) Wake Tabor up for class. Is he really sleeping through all of his classes? Someone is paying a lot of money for this education. Should we alert the Dean?  5) Make better resolutions than Tabor. “Start working on a plan”?!!! What’s your resolution for 2013 going to be, “Start planning to execute plan”?