Grace Canny, So recherché you had to look at what it even means
• October 27, 2022
It’s that time of the year when you should double-check your car registration … just kidding, it’s Halloween! You may be asking yourself: "What can I dress up as that perfectly displays my humor,...
Conor Bartol, What terrible fruit hath grown from the seed of evil
• October 27, 2022
I consider myself a maestro with the kitchen knife, the seed scoopers, the gut grippers and the pumpkin peelers. I picture myself as a connoisseur of Cucurbitaceae, a sculptor cutting away at a gourd until...
In a groundbreaking new study, local sociologists have now confirmed that Whitman students collectively spend almost two-thirds of their time having no idea what they’re supposed to be doing, whether...
Like the rest of you, I was pulled under by the riptide that is midterms. Inspired by all the studious Sallys out there, I decided to step into the role of “student” and go to the library.
The...
Lee Thomas, based on a true story
• October 20, 2022
Over Whitman's four-day weekend, the biology department unearthed a curious discovery while investigating abnormal phenomena in the water systems of East Isaacs Avenue. The department claims there were...
Ian Lewis, pusher of word limits
• October 20, 2022
In an announcement that shows that anything is “paw-sible,” the Office of Admission has confirmed that fictive sports dog Air Bud will be enrolling at Whitman.
“Ruff ruff!” read the letter sent...
Samantha Fitts, Honorary Italian (New Yorker)
• October 20, 2022
Welp, it’s finally here — we have now witnessed Chris Pratt’s rendition of Nintendo’s Mario. As expected, it’s terrible. The animation looks great, despite the fact that they stole Mario’s...
Grace Canny, This Cannot Be Used As Evidence Against Me In A Court of Law
• October 20, 2022
You. You know who you are. I feel like we’ve made it obvious, with our giggles and hushed whispers. We haven’t done a great job of hiding it. As soon as we see you, we notify the others. How could...
Conor Bartol, It’s rock-o-clock baby
• October 20, 2022
The following is transcribed from the local college radio:
The month is nearly over, which means it’s time to rejoice with newfound fervor: that’s right, it’s ROCKtober, which means a nonstop,...
Grace Canny, Master Sommelier, probably, it can’t be hard
• October 5, 2022
You’ve heard of Brew Night at Reid with party animal Juli Dunn. Certainly nothing can beat knocking back a couple of brewskis in Reid Ballroom at 5 p.m. on a Thursday. It might be all you’ve ever wanted:...
Conor Bartol, a real employee who definitely works here
• October 5, 2022
You may have seen someone on the social media platform and local hive of scum and villainy, Yik Yak, pretending to be a writer for The Wire looking for sources. And hoo-boy, what a pretentious “writer”...
Lee Thomas, Buy my Thomas-Fam merch!
• October 5, 2022
You think you've got it all – name, pronouns, major, phone number, your internship, the clubs you run, your Myers-Briggs personality type, a copy-pasted land acknowledgement, yadda yadda yadda and then...
