Emmett Schink, Advanced AI learning model
• October 3, 2024
Machines are taking over. I should tell you not to panic, but to be perfectly honest with you, I'm panicking. They’ve taken over our transportation with the smart cars and electric scooters. They've...
Arham Khan, Aspiring Mall Cop
• September 26, 2024
Ah, Whitman College and the Walla Walla Police Department (WWPD) — one of those relationships that lasts too long and has everyone wondering, “Are they still together?” The dynamic between Whitman...
Someone should fire me, and preferably a man.
I initially applied as a humor writer for The Wire with the aim of joining the feminist cause, challenging the long-running stereotype that women aren’t...
I have had one or two hits in my storied career as a Wire Humor Writer, but what if I told you that everything you’ve seen is just a fraction of what could have been? Each issue, we Humor Writers...
The Wire can now confirm that at least one of its humor writers is getting really lazy with his articles. Whether by beginning several articles with “The Wire can confirm” or by simply restating the...
Conor Bartol, a real employee who definitely works here
• October 5, 2022
You may have seen someone on the social media platform and local hive of scum and villainy, Yik Yak, pretending to be a writer for The Wire looking for sources. And hoo-boy, what a pretentious “writer”...
The strange weather of this past weekend has been attributed to the presence of God in the greater Walla Walla region. Snow, hail, sunshine and rain have been spotted on Whitman campus within a 24 hour...
Lee Thomas, Can I crash at yours for a few days?
• April 7, 2022
Sophomores, on-campus juniors, first-years who got away with lying about their age, the time is nearing for you to move out of Papa Whitman's house and into your own abode. Some of you will be graced to...
Grace Canny, dutiful roommate to Alissa Berman
• April 7, 2022
Early Wednesday morning, while all of campus slept, a detectable hum was in the air. Not a single bird dared chirp nor a duck dare quack. Whitman was nearly silent except for one building: Reid Campus...
When 6 former Residents Assistants (RAs) moved into 6969 Valencia St—or the Hague—they were all excited to get away from the first-years.
“We’d all been working so hard on programs that no one...
Earlier this month it was announced that esteemed Mario voice actor, Chris Pratt, would also be the voice of America’s favorite orange cat: Heathcliff- I mean Garfield. There is obviously one major problem...
