We’ve reached a new creative low in The Arts. Of course, we could blame the rise of BookTok, the MCU or, my eternal enemy, ChatGPT, but the honest-to-God truth is… nobody’s doing cocaine anymore. Oh sure, coke is plentiful at Whitman College, but this campus is the exception that proves the rule. Besides, how many of these line-snorters are going to make the ultimate commitment and major in film?

I think we can all agree that Hollywood has been dropping the ball for the past 30 years… but it wasn’t always this way! When Martin Scorsese was at the top of his game— making movies for dads who are too young for The Godfather but too old for KPOP Demon Hunters— was he tweeting “@grok, is this true?” or did he cowboy up and develop a serious coke addiction for the good of cinema? And remember how funny John Mulaney was circa 2016? Oh, how we laughed at his anecdotes and high-energy impressions! Of course, then he had to go and ruin it by going to rehab and turning his life around.

But it’s not just the actors and directors! Look at Stephen King, Hunter S. Thompson and Philip K. Dick! These are names that command respect, unlike these “healthy living,” new-age talents. How are people meant to reach truths about the human condition if they don’t alter theirs? And coke isn’t so bad, really. It’s not like you’re giving yourself lung cancer. It’s only heart attacks and nosebleeds. Who wouldn’t put up with that for a lifetime of fame and inspiration?

And, guys, I know. People are sad, our country is backsliding. Who gives a damn about a healthy movie ecosystem? ME. MEEEEE. I DO. ME!!!!! We have been telling each other stories for thousands of years. And now, because everything is under the thumb of corporations and AI, the movie industry has stopped telling stories and started serving slop. I’m desperate. I’ll advocate for anything to fix this. Even cocaine. Especially cocaine! Read between the thin, white lines, people!