I love our athletes, who wouldn’t? They’re not only physical specimens but they are also more intelligent and caring than the rest of us ordinary people. When I see a Whitman Athlete I think: “Wow, how lucky am I, a neanderthal, to walk on the same campus, let alone the same earth as these Demigods.” In honor of our illustrious athletes, I have compiled some of my own questions and observations for your enjoyment.

My legs aren’t the biggest. Fortunately for me, that wouldn’t be a problem if I were trying to join the cross country team. Boys, I love how smooth your legs are, but would another 2 or 3 inches really create too much drag? 

Now golfers seem to be on to something; I have never seen anyone that bored smile that much. The only time a golfer hates a hole in one is when his toe pokes through his sock.

I love baseball: the chewing tobacco, the sweat stinging your squinting eyes as the sun beats down on your back (god forbid they play in the rain), and of course a bunch of big strong guys who love balls flying fast at their face. My favorite part of every baseball game is when they go back into their little caves and spank each other for being good boys.

What’s the difference between a fish and our basketball players? A fish can find the bottom of the net. Men’s basketball is probably my favorite sport to watch at Whitman. I’ve even started to steal merch and pretend I’m on the team. So far no one believes I’m the starting center, but whatcha gonna do? 

Home games create a lot of pressure for the fan. It’s hard to start a chant when you’re the only one cheering. If it says home game, just know most Whitman students will be at home.

We may not win every game, but I’d like to see Whitworth’s soccer team quote Confucius in traditional Chinese. Per capita we may have the highest ratio of brain activity to muscle mass.

My last thought on this topic? We could potentially have a school of 100% athletes if we created an E-sports team for Genshin Impact.