Quiz: What Excessive Holiday Dish Are You?

Andy Monserud

American tradition is loaded with food. All of our holidays, especially in the latter half of the year, mandate feasts heavy on meat, potatoes and sugars. Which narcolepsy-inducing family meal are you?

When you go to lunch in the dining hall, you…

A. Make a beeline for the sandwich line. Deli meat errday!
B. Lament that the brunch bar is out of hash browns again. At dinner.
C. Soft-serve machine. Several times over.
D. Salad bar! You’re a vegetarian!

You spend the most time in…

A. Maxey Hall. Got to get your history fix.
B. Olin Hall. It’s got something for everyone!
C. Hall of Music. You love the comforting sounds of everybody else practicing.
D. You like to connect with your surroundings, so you sleep on Ankeny Field.

Your room looks…

A. Decent. And what business is it of mine?
B. Good enough for you.
C. Spotless. And it smells like pumpkin spice!
D. Can’t tell through layers and layers of posters, buttons and stickers.

Your biggest online time waster is…

A. Reddit. You like the hive-mind sense of community.
B. You don’t waste time –– your online pursuits are just as legitimate.
C. Buzzfeed. You really don’t need to see more lists of funny cat gifs, but they’re SOO KYOOT!!
D. Tumblr, because it’s important.

Your ideal party is…

A. A couple of beers at whatever frat’s hopping that night.
B. At home with a couple of friends and a “Game of Thrones” binge.
C. Rum and Coke, a board game and anyone you can round up while stumbling through the hallways.
D. A gardening party. Bring your hoes!

Your favorite TV show or movie is…

A. “Parks and Recreation.” Ron Swanson is God!
B. Eh, whatever people are talking about is fine. You mostly watch TV as a conversation topic anyway.
C. Soap operas are the greatest!
D. You’ve watched “Food, Inc.” 53 times in the last three years.

Mostly A’s:

You are the meat dish. Ham or turkey, it doesn’t really matter. You’re the centerpiece –– the one whose carving represents seniority and power, the one everybody gets served first. You’re the consensus and happy that way. Long live the status quo!

Mostly B’s:

You’re mashed potatoes. While meat overshadows you a bit, your starchy mush provides most of the nutrition for a holiday meal, as alarming as that may sound. Delicious but not flashy, you’re content to sit as a humble but appreciated sidekick to the more flamboyant meat.

Mostly C’s:

You’re pie. Sweet, flavorful and always devoured despite bulging post-meal guts, you’re the pleasant finisher of the meal. The temptation of kids, you’re beloved by everybody, but everybody likes you differently.

Mostly D’s:

You are salad. Even though we all know that you’re probably the best thing for us at the table, we’re still reluctant to approach you in favor of more appetizing options. This will undoubtedly come back to bite us in the long run, but at Thanksgiving dinner, even the most sympathetic relatives will likely only give you a cursory nibble before eating something they actually enjoy.