Whitman Wire

Jumping in Leaf Piles: Whimsical Fall Activity or Something More Sinister?

Maude Lustig, Eternal Being of Light

November 25, 2018

Raking leaves: we all hate it. Yet this eons old chore has always offered a light at the end of the dark, dark tunnel: Jumping in The Freaking Leaf Pile. The most fun-loving amongst us might even toss some leaves up in the air, and let them rain down on their heads. Yet, could this beloved activity be ...

Local bullying firm predicts return of “four-eyes” insult

CJ Fritz, Rapscallion

November 25, 2018

Trevor Mitchell is the CEO and founder of a cutting-edge bullying firm located in Seattle, Washington. The firm, named Wet Willie Solutions, uses top-of-the-line technology to track the latest trends in the bullying industry. Mitchell, a former bully himself, is now a prominent douchebag in the Pacific Nort...

Cause of Death: Florida

Maddie Ott, Uncle Alligator's Famous Jambalaya

November 25, 2018

 For students returning home this Thanksgiving break, they should be aware of a great threat that lies in the East. Lurking in the shadows of other great states such as New York and Virginia, Florida rests, patiently waiting for the absolute least opportune moment to strike. A nightmare for the libe...

Cheez-It to release canisters of only the white cheddar dust; can be eaten or smoked

Cheez-It to release canisters of only the white cheddar dust; can be eaten or smoked

Anneliese Ellingboe, Boiled Ham's Brother-in-Law

November 25, 2018

This past Friday, Cheez-It announced they would be releasing a new product in December 2018. After discovering that white cheddar Cheez-It dust that had been chemically separated from the cheese cracker was being sold on the black market by high schoolers for direct consumption and/or smoking, the corporation...

Penrose Library excited to light books on fire to keep the bathrooms hellishly warm during this winter season

Penrose Library excited to light books on fire to keep the bathrooms hellishly warm during this winter season

Anthony Reale, Farm Animal

November 16, 2018

In a board meeting on Monday, the staff of Penrose Library — after hearing that the entire endowment had been spent on Cleveland Commons — realized that they would not have any money to keep the bathrooms nice and toasty over the Thanksgiving break. After a panicked silence, head librarian Book S....

BREAKING: Bon Appetit revealed to be reason why Whitman College is a D3 school

Maddie Ott, Ratatouille’s Brother-in-Law

November 9, 2018

Starved after a strenuous practice of fitness and running, the Whitman soccer team rushes into the Cleveland Commons searching for a highly caloric and protein filled meal. Aghast at the price of one hamburger (with added bacon) the team members soon realize that they literally can not afford to buy their me...

Shocked congressmen realize Capitol Building looks like a boob

Shocked congressmen realize Capitol Building looks like a boob

CJ Fritz, Old Bowl of Pasta

November 9, 2018

Washington, D.C. – On a rainy day in the nation’s capital, two aging senators nervously sip scotch in a chic bar, too disturbed to make eye contact with each other. I sit across from Senators Schuck Chumer and McCitch Monnell wondering how two of the palest men in the nation managed to look eve...

Eligible voter with access to ballot fails to vote, is plagued all the days of her life

Annelise Ellingboe, Nut Allergy's Cousin

November 9, 2018

Local eligible voter Cynthia Resnin failed to fill out and mail her perfectly good absentee ballot in time for her home state to receive it within the election cutoff period, and is now doomed to suffer each and every day for the rest of her life. Due to the rollout of what God is calling THOU SHALT ...

Is that the Hamburglar I just saw?

Is that the Hamburglar I just saw?

Anthony Reale, Dishwasher Enthusiast

November 6, 2018

Students living in Prentiss Hall were shocked to see a form climbing up the Memorial clocktower on Sunday night.  Assuming that it was some sort of ASWC Apology Tour stunt, most students shook their heads and returned to banging their heads against their $600,000 textbooks in an attempt to learn through ...

Worst Fear Realized: My boyfriend broke up with me the day before Halloween so now we can’t do the couples costume we were planning

Worst Fear Realized: My boyfriend broke up with me the day before Halloween so now we can’t do the couples costume we were planning

Ann Karneus, Corn on the Throb

November 1, 2018

Hey y’all: just so you know, Halloween is officially cancelled this year. I might as well pull the fire alarm in TKE this weekend because if I can’t have fun, then no one can. This whole nightmare started when I cheated on my boyfriend last week. I felt like super bad and stuff but was gonna wait...

Senior Accidentally Schedules Job Interview for Halloween; Forgets; Has to go dressed as Sexy Benjamin Button

Anneliese Ellingboe, Black Market Pumpkin Salesperson

November 1, 2018

Xerxes Fullerton III presumed Halloween 2018 would be just like every other year. He was a man on his way: senior thesis nearly finished, a salaried job with a trusted bank all but secured, unparalleled costume for October 31. The morning of Halloween, everything was going as planned. Fullerton III woke ...

Professor Asks Student Basic Questions About Last Night’s Reading

Maude Lustig, Bitch With A W

November 1, 2018

“Can you summarize this article for all of us?” A chill runs down my spine at the very thought of those words. A sweat breaks out upon my brow. I look up for inspiration, down in desperation and left and right for information--all for naught. Noticing my hesitation, the professor rephrases the que...

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