Whitman Wire

Total rando shows up to club meeting

Illustration by Anika Vucicevic

Maude Lustig, Giardia Carrier

February 27, 2020

No one could have anticipated it. Grayson Pools sent out the normal emails, telling his club's listserv, “meeting in 15 minutes” and “BUMP.” Yet no one ever bumped back. Pools, who is president of the Air Quality club, made his way to the science atrium, the club's normal meeting spot. His head w...

Senior Slide becoming dangerously slippery

Annelise Ellingboe

February 20, 2020

The Senior Slide, an on-campus means of transportation reserved only for seniors, has become dangerously slippery and will be closed this week.  The Slide is meant to make spring semester easier for stressed-out seniors, cutting down transportation time so they have a few more minutes in the day to...

Heated liberal snowflakes reveal Buttigieg’s rat family via Twitter

Illustration by Anika Vučićević

Maddie Ott

February 20, 2020

Soon after the debauchery of the Iowa Caucus, the most extreme of Bernie supporters realized that they could leverage their power against the threat of Buttigieg’s "Boomer" sponsor system. Fearless, technologically adept socialist-democrats took to the internet, collectively spurring a revolution that woul...

Simple steps to becoming an Instapoet

Illustration by Elie Flanagan

Elise Sanders, Kazoo Prodigy

February 20, 2020

Have you ever read a poem on Instagram by a contemporary poet you’d never heard of? And yet, when you go to their profile, you find out they have a few hundred thousand — maybe even millions — of followers and a book deal or two. Have you ever thought, “Damn, I wish I could be that successful...

Post for mom’s birthday also chance to prove parents used to be hot

Maude Lustig, Female Comedian

February 20, 2020

To commemorate her mother’s birthday, local daughter Samantha Loughlin dug through the family archives for the perfect throwback picture to showcase both the wonderful person her mother is, and her mom’s pre-baby bod.  “I think this photo will be a fun throwback for my mom. I want to remind ...

my.Whitman ups its stalking potential by listing crush’s current location

Fielding Schaefer, Writer Of Real News

February 13, 2020

The my.Whitman portal has long been critically acclaimed across campus for its “Whitman search” function. If you’re a student attempting to recall a vaguely recognizable name that your friend is referring to, just look them up! Maybe even zoom in on their sweaty face from their first day of fr...

How to hang out with babies

Illustration by Anika Vučićević

Maude Lustig, Loves To Watch You Leave

February 13, 2020

Most Whitman students are nowhere near ready to have a baby. Yet that doesn’t change the fact that our bodies are gross and horny, and if this was the Middle Ages we’d probably all have three little rascals by now (ugh, take me back!). Babies are everywhere so at a certain point it’s only reaso...

Why I’ve decided to press charges against the IMLeagues website

Ann Karneus

February 13, 2020

When I entered Whitman my freshman year, I heard about the exciting opportunity for club and intramural sports. It seemed like a sleek solution for those who wanted to play sports in a casual yet semi-competitive setting with their friends, so I immediately navigated to the website. However, when I ty...

Amazon announces plans to purchase Whitman College

Illustration by Lanh Tran

Elise Sanders, Dictionary Memorizer

February 10, 2020

Walla Walla has been buzzing since Jeff Bezos and Kathy Murray signed an agreement to sell Whitman College to Amazon in order to increase funding for the school. The student body, however, is very divided on the issue. “I don’t know what this means for the college,” said sophomore Hope McAlister...

Stoner rediscovers water

Illustration by Anika Vučićević

Maddie Ott, Devil On Wheels

February 6, 2020

After having spent 45 minutes staring at the textured ceiling in his room, Miles Thatcher – the long lost grandson of Margaret Thatcher – suddenly startled with a fright. Unaware of his vastly historical lineage, he was shocked that the sky outside had gone from being sunny and friendly to dark and ...

Facebook removes all posts captioned ‘New Year, New Me!’ to decrease the spread of misinformation

Illustration by Hannah Paul

Annelise Ellingboe, Creature of Habit

February 6, 2020

As panic spreads about urgent issues like the coronavirus and the 2020 election, Facebook has vowed to decrease the spread of misinformation on the site. One of the first items on their to-do list is to remove all overly optimistic posts captioned “New Year, New Me!”  Facebook has yet to announce their official ...

Whitman administration frantically seeks solution as first-years drop out to pursue lucrative TikTok careers

Ann Karneus, TikTok CEO

February 6, 2020

Last week it was reported that 20 percent of first-years had withdrawn their enrollment from Whitman College over winter break, with most of these decisions citing the apparent lack of inspiration for professional TikTokers. Kaitlin Basser complained that as soon as she arrived on campus in August, she...

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