Whitman Wire

Whitman Junior’s Mother Knows More About Internet Meme Culture Than Her Son

Ashlyn Quintus, Absolute Unit

April 25, 2019

At 2 p.m. on Monday, Josh Jefferson had just completed his week-long social media cleanse during this bustling academic season and looked at his phone the first time since. To Josh’s unfortunate surprise, he noticed a plethora of messages from his mother on both Facebook and iMessage. “I thought I just...

Long-term effects of Varsity Nordic’s 24-hour show begin to be seen

Long-term effects of Varsity Nordic’s 24-hour show begin to be seen

Anthony Reale, Scented Tracksuit

April 25, 2019

A long-toasted tradition of Whitman improv tradition, the Varsity Nordic 24-hour Show happened a couple weeks ago.  After this year’s show, however, it was revealed that some intrepid senior Biology-Psychology-Anthropology-Weirdo Studies Majors have been tracking the aftermath of these shows and wh...

Op-Ed: My sexual awakening was the first black hole photo

Ann Karneus, Excellent Chicken Noodle Soup Recipe

April 19, 2019

Last Wednesday, astronomers made history when they released the first ever image of a black hole. After a collective effort of mammoth proportions — including a Silicon Valley collaboration, eight high powered telescopes, and “the data equivalent of 1.39 billion copies of 'Old Town Road' by Lil Na...

Influx of optimistic students breaks Whitties’ brains over Admitted Students’ Weekend

Influx of optimistic students breaks Whitties’ brains over Admitted Students’ Weekend

Anthony Reale, Babyback Lips

April 19, 2019

Smiling admitted students wandered around Whitman College for the first time in what seems to be millenia over this last weekend.  Whitties were confused by this sudden influx of teeth, seeing as their rampant cynicism has been the main mode of their engagement with the cosmos after their first semest...

First Year Feels Is Reminded That They Are an Actual Child When They Have to Get Their Wisdom Teeth Removed

First Year Feels Is Reminded That They Are an Actual Child When They Have to Get Their Wisdom Teeth Removed

Maddie Ott, Rotten Tooth

April 18, 2019

They thought their time in the diaper was over. After spending a solid seven months parading about campus drinking alcohol on the weekends, and washing their own clothing, they thought that they had escaped the grasps of childhood. However, little did they know that the clutches of being an infant had...

Seniors succumb to sophomore severity

Seniors succumb to sophomore severity

Anthony Reale, Tender Loin

April 11, 2019

After the third corpse of a senior Whitman student was brought into the Health Center last week, Health Center Director Clothestha Wound declared a state of emergency for campus.  According to Wound, seniors who walked by the lawn were so startled by the concentration of underclass students that the...

Couple’s success attributed to Disney fetish

Ann Karneus, Robot Scent

April 10, 2019

For some, childhood never stops. And while cynics may dub this as an unhealthy coping mechanism for dealing with the crushing realities of adulthood, quirky Iowa natives Cassidy and Dylan Fletcher make it work. Their secret? Still being obsessed with all things Disney. When I entered their modest...

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Maddie Ott, Supreme Eggwich

April 9, 2019

Some say we are icons, some say we are bound to become famous, some say we are just normal people with big egos. Nonetheless, you have probably heard of us. As one of the most underfunded clubs on Whitman campus, Varsity Nordic Improv team scurries around, sometimes speaking the English language, sometimes...

ASL translator accused of gang activity

CJ Fritz, Soggy Toast

April 9, 2019

The National Muffin Tin Enthusiasts Convention got off to a rocky start when the organizing committee of the convention was embroiled in controversy. The convention, hosted in Bemidji, Minnesota, decided this year that they wanted to make muffin tins more accessible to all enthusiasts. The organizing...

Administration Thrilled to Start Extermination After Squirrel Finally Bites and Kills Student

Administration Thrilled to Start Extermination After Squirrel Finally Bites and Kills Student

Maddie Ott, Rejected Craisin

April 7, 2019

Spring is here! It is time to kill the squirrels. There is no better time to start a murdering rampage than the ripe month of April. With a deep sigh of relief Kathy Murray and Juli Dunn saddled up their horses, cocked their guns and wandered off into the forest of Ankeny field. With looks of passionate...

New couple not as cute as they think

New couple not as cute as they think

CJ Fritz, Inventor of the Toe Ring

April 7, 2019

New couple on campus Gus and Tammy have taken Whitman by storm…or so they thought. The couple took up together while they were both being treated for strep throat at the health center last week. A new survey taken of literally everyone shows that 99% of Whitman students don’t think Gus and Tamm...

BREAKING: Out of jail for now, Whitman College CFO walks free

Anthony Reale, Chronic Spatula

April 7, 2019

Whitman College CFO Harvey McCrunchdanumbaz was released from Walla Walla Maximum Security Jail and Pizza Hut on Tuesday, after narrowly avoiding a life sentence for the beheadings of multiple students and their campus pets. According to several eyewitness testimonies, the case was a class-action lawsuit...

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