Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman’s Pessimists

Illustration by Gus Cowell

Whitman students, who once held emotionally-driven conversations ranging from weather to politics, have recently adopted apathetic stances courtesy of Cancel Culture. Disagreements that were once common are now frowned upon and viewed as pessimistic. This transformation owes its success to the administration’s relentless censoring of passionate student emails and training sessions to prevent potentially-offensive behavior. 

But despite this, a few nonconformists are challenging this liberal arts institution’s push to be “woke.” 

In this exclusive interview series, I’ve tracked down three defiant freethinkers, labeled as Pessimists, and contrasted their views with PC optimists Kai Alexander and Angela Froming to reveal the genuine sentiments of the minority of Whitman students (who would like to remain at Whitman, and therefore, remain anonymous).

1. Do you have complaints regarding rain?

Alexander: “Well, I can’t play outside … that’s about it. I like rain.” 

Froming: “I don’t like when my shoes get wet, but in general, I like rain.”

Pessimist #1: “I hate how it gets into my shoes. When I step outside, I keep stepping into these deep-ass puddles.”

Pessimist #2: “It’s wet, and it’s cold.” 

Pessimist #3: “That’s a dumb question; this is why The Wire sucks.”

2. What are your thoughts on North Korea?

Alexander: “It’s crazy out there.” 

Froming: “I have a lot of sympathy for the people who live there under a tyrannical rule.”

Pessimist #1: “I’m disappointed … They could really improve their world image if they just worked on their tourism and not arrest tourists.” 

Pessimist #2: “It’s horrible … It’s a bad place. They have a horrible dictator who kind of takes away human rights.” 

Pessimist #3 “Um … It exists.”

3. What runs through your mind when Cleve runs out of clean cups?

Alexander: “I have my water bottle, so I just resort to that.” 

Froming: “I’m friends with a lot of Cleve workers, so I think, “Oh, [someone’s] going to have to hunt down cups now.”

Pessimist #1: “How the fuck do you run out of clean cups?” 

Pessimist #2: “My initial thought would be: this is fucking stupid … this sucks.”

Pessimist #3: “I’d grab a coffee cup … These [questions] are dumb.”

4. What are your thoughts on abortion?

Alexander: “I’m cool with it.”

Froming: “I think abortion is healthcare, and it should be legal and accessible for everyone with a uterus.”

Pessimist #1: [Original comment] “I feel like I’m not allowed to have an opinion about that.” [After being reminded that their identity would be anonymous] “The earlier the better.”

Pessimist #2: [Originial comment] “Fuck … that’s a complex topic. Let me come back to that.” [After returning to the question] “Fuck … well, it’s better than North Korea.”

Pessimist #3: “Children suck — I’m pro-abortion here.”


It appears that Whitman’s attempts to turn all students into neutral beings has failed. There are still opinionated individuals out there, who not only have political opinions but also are willing to vocalize them; anonymously today, but maybe not tomorrow.

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  • S

    Scott ShifrelNov 3, 2023 at 6:58 am

    Great work!

  • M

    McKennaNov 2, 2023 at 1:16 pm

    Good story