Whitman Wire

Theatre reportedly not doing another musical for the next 400,000 years

Illustration by Megan Waldau

Anthony Reale, Skrillex Apologist

September 24, 2018

After the success of its last musical, Cats, Jarper Hoy Theatre enjoyed a brief moment in the spotlight on Whitman’s campus.  Students were violently interested in when the next show would return to Jarper Hoy–even to the point of spray painting an enormous depiction of Broadway darling Nathan La...

Rock Climbing?? Haven’t We Evolved Past That?

Maude Lustig, Cutie Patootie

September 24, 2018

No one wants to say it because they’re afraid some rock climbing bro with bulging triceps will put them in an inescapable armlock. But not me. I learned long ago that the best way to escape an armlock is with a swift donkey kick to the nads – a donkey kick of truth. So here it is: rock climbing is...

I Am Part of the Resistance Inside TKE

CJ Fritz, Self-Proclaimed Hero

September 24, 2018

The TKE house at Whitman College faces a test to its fraternity that threatens to bring the entire brotherhood crumbling down. It’s not just that women, queer and trans people, people of color, and people from working-class families are endangered by or excluded from TKE. The test that TKE faces...

Area dog owners fed up with unpaid labor

CJ Fritz, Amateur Porcupine Hugger

September 23, 2018

A crisis in unpaid labor is gripping the Walla Walla area. Exploitative practices and unchecked privilege have led to the abuse of some of the area’s most important workers: dogs. For 150 years, Whitman College students have capitalized off of canine unpaid emotional labor, and area dog owners...


Illustration by Nathaly Perez

Maddie Ott, America's Next Top Waddle

September 23, 2018

WHITMAN CAMPUS—Navigating the maze of small talk remains a laughable topic year after year at First-Year Orientation. However, if you enter Whitman campus surrounded by an abundance of familiar faces, the aggressive, shark-infested waters of orientation grow a little calmer. Clad in Birkenstocks and Su...

TonyTalks: Welcome Back

Anthony Reale, Crab Polisher

September 23, 2018

Ah, the scent of first-year confusion. This is the one of those things that brings me back to campus every year, alongside watching first-years bump into statues and apologize, actually do homework (like this is school or something,) and the best hazing ritual that the college has ever practiced:...

Local Man/Hero Sings Along to ‘N’ Word, Checks to See if Nearby POC Heard

Annelise Ellingboe, Toddler Driver

April 26, 2018

FRAT BASEMENT, GREEKEND, 2018 — Amidst costumed sorority women and drunk fraternity men, a local white boy sang along to the N-word during a particularly bumpin’ play of Kanye West’s “Gold Digger.” After some anxious glances to nearby people of color, it appeared that his slip up heroically...

In Awesome Display of Solidarity, Men are Sharing Unsolicited Dick Pics with Each Other

Winston Weigand, Pole Dancer at the Mos Eisley Cantina

April 26, 2018

If there is one thing that every single human being can agree on, it’s that receiving an unsolicited picture of a man’s penis is by and far the greatest thing ever. These pictures, fondly referred to as “dick pics,” have established millions of romantic relationships and ended exactly zero. In...

How to Get The Classes You Didn’t Get During Registration

Ann Karneus, Kann Arneus

April 26, 2018

Registration is hectic for everyone, and I know especially for underclassmen that it’s almost impossible to get all of the classes you want. You put yourself on the waitlist, you frantically email the prof for consent, but sometimes it’s still just not enough to get that perfect schedule. Unless...

Encounters Curriculum Shakedown!

Anthony Reale, Satan with a Lisp

April 26, 2018

A whirlwind of hate hit the Encounters program in the face this year, bringing the controversial program under fire yet again.  Criticisms included the classic “I don’t know how to write still and I’m a senior,” the annoying “I didn’t get the grade I wanted so let’s make it retroactively...

Non-Murderers Plan for the Purge

Clara Wheeler, Celebrity Look-alike

April 19, 2018

Mark your calendars, folks, it’s that time of the year again! The scent of blood is in the air, weird animal Halloween masks are on sale, and Home Alone style security measures come back into popularity. That’s right, it’s Purge season! For those of you unaware of this new policy, all crime (includin...

6 Tips for Improving Your Self-Sabotage Skills this Spring

Annelise Ellingboe, Toothpick-to-the-Stars

April 19, 2018

Day drink Drunk classes are way more fun. Plus, that way, the hangover kicks in right when you would do your homework, which will make it virtually impossible to do! Skip class Ah, an oldie but a goodie. Need I say more? Stop wearing sunscreen Don’t believe the scienc...

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