Theatre reportedly not doing another musical for the next 400,000 years

Anthony Reale, Skrillex Apologist

After the success of its last musical, Cats, Jarper Hoy Theatre enjoyed a brief moment in the spotlight on Whitman’s campus.  Students were violently interested in when the next show would return to Jarper Hoy–even to the point of spray painting an enormous depiction of Broadway darling Nathan Lane on the side of the building.

Theatre professors wholeheartedly dislike the way campus has been reacting to Cats closing.

“I mean, I never understood why people like musicals.  They’re so happy and full of music?  How can that be pleasing to anyone to feel joy while watching THEATRE?!” said Theatre Professor Art S. Houldbedepressing III.

Illustration by Megan Waldau

“If people aren’t going to see shows that make them consider the futility of their own lives or the fact that no one ever asked to exist, then why should they see a show at all?” Houldbedepressing III continued.

Despite the campus uproar, Director of the Theatre Marty McArtFace has decided to unilaterally cancel any musical, play with music, or even mention of music for the next 400,000 years.

“That kind of theatre just doesn’t line up with our hour core values: making up art that confuses or terrifies audiences to the core,” said McArtFace.  “We have to do what’s right for the students and for the building,” he hissed, after revealing his true form.  The last thing this reporter remembers before blacking out from fear is McArtFace screaming out something about niche artistic practices.  That’s all I could manage to get before the sentient building’s meat puppet went flying at me.

Jarper Hoy is looking forward to hosting the Festival That Ever Decreases Your Time Limit, a festival dedicated to making as many shows as fast as possible.  Should be a real riot!