Rock Climbing?? Haven’t We Evolved Past That?

Maude Lustig, Cutie Patootie

No one wants to say it because they’re afraid some rock climbing bro with bulging triceps will put them in an inescapable armlock. But not me. I learned long ago that the best way to escape an armlock is with a swift donkey kick to the nads – a donkey kick of truth. So here it is: rock climbing is dumb. There, I said it. Maybe it was important in the olden days when people were heading west to create settlement. If they came to a big ol’ rock they thought, “shoot, better start climbing.”

Today we know you can just go around rocks. Or at least build stairs that go over them. People might say “rock climbing gives me such a sense of accomplishment.” Well, you know what else gives you a sense of accomplishment? Climbing a huge set of stairs. So I say we replace that rock wall with a bunch of StairMasters – the modern man’s exercising equipment.

“But rock climbing makes me so strong. My ‘ceps are so defined.” Okay, freak. I’ll take my flabby arms any day of the week. The only arm muscles I need are the ones that let me lift the remote to turn on the TV, am I right baby??

With every year that passes, we come closer to realizing the final form of our society. Soon we will all just be like those people in WALL-E who played games in wheelchairs all day. And there is just no room for rock climbing in that world.