6 Tips for Improving Your Self-Sabotage Skills this Spring

Annelise Ellingboe, Toothpick-to-the-Stars

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  • Day drink
    • Drunk classes are way more fun. Plus, that way, the hangover kicks in right when you would do your homework, which will make it virtually impossible to do!
  • Skip class
    • Ah, an oldie but a goodie. Need I say more?
  • Stop wearing sunscreen
    • Don’t believe the science! UV rays are good for you!!! Also, who cares about wrinkles? I wanna look like a sun dried tomato by the time I’m 34.
  • Start the Buttermilk OnlyTM cleanse
    • It’s like that cleanse Beyoncé did for Dreamgirls where she only drank spicy lemon juice, but you’ll be way gassier.
  • Start calling all your professors “mom”
    • They are always surprised and sometimes upset. Surefire way to have to end up in Juli Dunn’s office xD
  • Superglue your Make America Great Again hat to your scalp
    • In these trumpultuous times, find solace and stability in knowing you are always denouncing humanity and wearing your heart on your sleeve.