Whitman Wire

Whitman Vampires Speak Out

Winston Weigand, Pokémon Trainer

April 13, 2017

For many first and second-year vampires, living on the Whitman College campus is no easy feat. To begin with, most dorm rooms are not appropriately furnished with adult-sized coffins (a few rooms in North Hall being the exception). Moreover, some vampires who have been alive for many centuries often...

Venmo in Trouble After Latest Scandal

Rebecca Gluck, Poodle Dyer

April 13, 2017

Venmo, the popular app that lets people transfer money to others for quick and easy payments, has recently landed itself in some hot water. After being investigated for involvement in black market exchanges, the FBI found that the app was indeed guilty. Among the selling of sea cucumbers and baby formula,...

US blocks UN’s no Nukes Vote by Bringing Nuke Along

Clara Wheeler, Assistant Chair

April 13, 2017

The United Nations’ meeting in March about banning nuclear weapons grew heated as the United States refused to get rid of its nuclear weapons. Switzerland kept urging the United States to be reasonable and to calm down, but tensions were brought even higher when Greece knocked over Germany’s glass...

Bob Dylan Reluctantly Accepts Nobel Prize

Anthony Reale, Not a Squirrel Piloting a Human Suit

April 13, 2017

Bob Dylan reluctantly swung by the Nobel Prize Office during a tour stop in Stockholm, Switzerland to pick up his Nobel Prize in Literature over April Fool’s Day weekend. Although many think of Dylan as a ‘cool cucumber,’ the famous singer-songwriter was neither cool nor cucumbery in his acceptance...

In the News this Week

Anthony Reale, MySpace Guru

April 6, 2017

Area man disappointed to find no whittling classes at Whitman College Feminism discovered to be cure for most serious diseases Campus celebrates as DVD screensaver hits exact corner of television screen Marrra having the fucking time of her life away from The Wire All vegans on earth reveal secret...

Students unsure how to spell ‘privilege’

Rebecca Gluck, Met Husband on Tinder

April 2, 2017

Last week’s annual intercollegiate spelling bee was historic in several ways. For one, all eight Ivy League schools were disqualified for alleged collusion, although they insisted it was a harmless business strategy. The second surprise was the broken record for most misspellings of a single word. ...

Paul Ryan’s search for love

Clara Wheeler, Pirate Administrative Professional

April 2, 2017

Paul Ryan (B-KN) has always looked like he is trying to hold back tears of disappointment, but in recent weeks, his expression betrays the great heartbreak hiding behind a thin façade. “I really thought this would be the one,” he said about his one true love, the American Health Care Act (AHCA). “But I ...

What Some Professors Do on 3-Day Weekends

Rebecca Gluck, Candle Designer

March 2, 2017

The three-day break last weekend gave students and professors a chance to relax, work on schoolwork and experiment with potent forms of recreational drugs. Among the professors who chose the latter option, William Brown, a chemistry professor, and Ari Stottle, a philosophy professor, were willing to...

Je Suis Sweden

Anthony Reale, Amateur LARPer

March 2, 2017

The guns firing. The cannons booming. The civilians screaming. These are just a few descriptions of the civil war that has broken out in Sweden, just as the President of the United States predicted last week. Reporters from The Wire were on the ground in the war zone in an attempt to gather informat...

Trump’s Security Chief Pick is Exactly Who We Expected: A Literal Bowl of Soup

Winston Weigand, Liberal Snowflake

March 2, 2017

In a sudden turn of events, the CEO of the United States, Donald Trump, has selected a new National Security Advisor. The previous NSA John F. Kelly was forcefully dismissed by Trump after his second cousin’s best friend’s cat-sitter posted a meme on Facebook that referred to Trump as “an amber-colored...

Diary of an RA

Diary of an RA

Elena Aragon

March 1, 2012

9 a.m.: Wake up to put puke bucket outside the door, it's still dirty from the person who used it last night 11 a.m.: Walk to the section lounge, proceed to do all the recycling 'cause it's filled to the brim in the closet 'cause no one ever does it 3 p.m.: Break out Settlers of Catan in the section ...

Whitman news since 1896
satire