Paul Ryan’s search for love

Clara Wheeler, Pirate Administrative Professional

Illustration by Meg Cuca

Paul Ryan (B-KN) has always looked like he is trying to hold back tears of disappointment, but in recent weeks, his expression betrays the great heartbreak hiding behind a thin façade. “I really thought this would be the one,” he said about his one true love, the American Health Care Act (AHCA). “But I just don’t know if this is going to work out.”

Their relationship, which had been developing over the past couple of months, was widely considered to be media’s least favorite couple pairing, even worse than Tom Hiddleston and Taylor Swift. RyanCare (their couple name) hit the brakes recently over arguments about the purpose of poor people to the community. AHCA asserted that if they are going to be a burden on the economy, they better not be selfish and also get sick.

“It’s not you, it’s me,” AHCA said to a tear-soaked Paul Ryan, standing in the doorway. “I just need some time to figure myself out,” it added before packing its bags and staying for a couple of days at its mother’s house. During RyanCare’s break, Paul Ryan was seen eying younger, more attractive health care bills, and so their relationship is officially over.

However, Paul Ryan is not letting that little hiccup stop him from finding love. Like a falcon on the hunt, but with the face of a wounded puppy, Paul Ryan has been going on dates with other health care bills. Some of them seen more toxic than others, but who are we to stand in the way of a blossoming romance?

At press time, Paul Ryan was seen plucking out the individual petals of a rose to see how Congress feels about him.