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US blocks UN’s no Nukes Vote by Bringing Nuke Along

Clara Wheeler, Assistant Chair

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The United Nations’ meeting in March about banning nuclear weapons grew heated as the United States refused to get rid of its nuclear weapons. Switzerland kept urging the United States to be reasonable and to calm down, but tensions were brought even higher when Greece knocked over Germany’s glass of water and Argentina “accidentally” elbowed Chile in the face. However, all of the fun shenanigans were brought to a halt when the several nuclear weapons spilled out of U.S. pockets. The assembled countries fell silent. Ethiopia stopped putting gum in Jordan’s hair.

“Whoops,” said the United States. “I must have forgotten to empty out my pockets before coming.”

“Did you bring enough for the whole class?” Denmark asked sarcastically from the back. “Yeah, that’s the general idea,” said the United States, rolling its eyes and stuffing its nukes into its pockets. “I’ve got enough for everybody,” it added ominously. The United States went on to ask the countries that if nuclear weapons were banned, then what would it do with all of its nukes? “You know, you can’t donate these things to Goodwill.”

The United States also pointed out that if nuclear weapons were banned from the UN, only those outside the UN could have them. “Who really trusts Vatican City to have that kind of exclusive power?” asked the United States, pounding the table with its fist to make a point. There were murmurs of agreement, and Italy pointed out that Pope Francis still owed the it money from Beer Night last Tuesday. “Untrustworthy man,” it added, sniffing.

At the end of the meeting, the general consensus was for everybody to increase the amount of nuclear weapons so that they can all feel safe from each other and from the Vatican.

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Whitman news since 1896
US blocks UN’s no Nukes Vote by Bringing Nuke Along