One of the perks of attending Whitman College is that it has such a high duck population. The ducks are cute, they’re friendly and you can see them all over campus! However, if you pay close attention, you might notice something curious. It seems that a very high percentage of the Whitman College ducks are in duck throuples or other polyamorous relationships. The percentage is so atypical that it has attracted the attention of local scientists who came to campus this spring to investigate the matter.
I interviewed Dr. Quackstein, PhD, who broke down the situation.
“On our surveys, 50% of the ducks on campus reported having been in a polyamorous relationship. This is much higher than expected. Ducks are actually, usually, a bit uptight. At first, we were at a loss for explanations,” Quackstein said. “We thought maybe their behavior was being affected by high levels of THC and Yerba Mate in the water around Whitman, but this was ruled out. We were about to throw in the towel when we finally considered the effects of migration.”
The Whitman ducks don’t usually migrate south for the winter, but that doesn’t mean they never leave Walla Walla. In fact, trackers revealed that many of the ducks had been spending extended periods of time in the nearby city of Portland, Oregon.
“That must be the explanation!” Dr. Quackstein said. “It also might explain some curious reports we received about the ducks brewing their own craft beer and leading mediation circles. You see, ducks aren’t usually snobs about their beer.”
The important takeaway here is that the ducks’ newfound polyamorous lifestyle is nothing to be concerned about. However, Dr. Quackstein and her team are a bit worried about a different problem facing the duck community: caffeine consumption. It seems that the ducks have become hooked on oatmilk lattes this spring. This issue really could affect their health, so let’s all offer support to our feathered friends as they try to kick the habit. Whether they are looking for the best ponds to swim in or navigating co-parenting with their polycule, they are important members of the community.
