Normally, when asked what I’d recommend for a relaxing spring vacay, I suggest taking a stiff one up the bum and move on with my life before I receive any follow-up questions. But because my creativity for this semester has been all but tapped, and because I have to write one of these bloody articles every week, I’ve created a list of exciting activities for Whitties of every age demographic.

For the freshmen class, I recommend going home! Your parents miss you, and it’s the perfect time to remind yourself why you should never, ever go home. All the rest of us had to suffer the distortion of our hometown before our very eyes; why shouldn’t you?

As for the sophomores, juniors and seniors who already suffered through the trials of a homecoming… why not catch a plane to Nairobi at your earliest possible convenience? For a thousand dollars or less, you can go on the safari tour of your life, tour around Masai villages like a well-intentioned white savior and generally be a rich knob elsewhere. If Nairobi is too far and too foreign, why not try your luck in England? The food’s way worse, but think of the castles! Who could forget those lovely piles of mud and stone? Of course, only the ugly ones are free to enter, but such is life.

And, for the lucky few among you whose parents make nickels and dimes, I suggest walking into the peat bogs of lower Washington and mummifying your body for future archaeologists to find — it’s cheap, easy and great for a laugh in about one or two millennium’s time.

If these suggestions reek to you of bitterness, that was not my intention (lie). I will be remaining on campus for the break, and I’ve whipped myself into a jealous fury the likes of which Maleficent could only dream of — baby-cursing and all. It should go without saying that my suggestions aren’t serious. And, on the non-zero chance that they are, don’t listen to them; I’m very clearly praying on your downfall.