In a bold display of bravery previously unseen outside a Coyote Peterson video, several of Whitman’s finest Division III athletes have once again marched into the dining hall demanding — nay, expecting — free double chicken.
Witnesses report that these heroic figures, fresh off the high of their scrimmage with either the one community college or a school that doesn’t technically believe in sports, enter the dining hall with the solemn entitlement of Roman emperors.
When staff inform them that, no, extra protein actually costs money — because that’s how dining halls, capitalism and the universe work — the athletes adopt the confused look of someone realizing Santa isn’t real and the FAFSA doesn’t care about their benching stats.
One athlete said: “I mean, it’s not my fault I need extra calories. I’m in season.” Interestingly, he was seen eating a single baby carrot in the gym earlier that day while telling someone he was “cutting.” Sources remain confused.
Non-athletes have tried to intervene, suggesting maybe, just maybe, the dining hall is not financially responsible for fueling every intramural-adjacent dream on campus.
The dining hall staff, which I used to be a part of, for their part, deserve medals of courage. Night after night, they face an unending flow of athletes coming in right before close, convinced the NCAA will come bursting into the dining hall to personally glaze them for their amazing 7 a.m. practice and award them free meat.
Rumors are circulating that the college is considering a compromise – a new “D3 Hero Meal Plan,” which includes one free double protein of your choosing per semester, a commemorative participation ribbon and unlimited access to telling NARPs how hard your conditioning is on you.
Until then, athletes will continue to fight the good fight, approaching dinner with the entitled indignation of men and women who truly believe they should not have to choose between finances and a second serving of chicken that is objectively mid at best.
And we, the general student body, will continue to watch in awe as Whitman history unfolds. Not all heroes wear capes; some wear Yeezy runners everywhere.
