This past Wednesday night was fairly ordinary for most Whitman students. After they finished their classes, they did some homework, scrolled through Instagram reels, grabbed some dinner and proceeded to do more homework before tucking into bed. However, for one particular Whitman student, who shall remain anonymous, this wasn’t the case. After leaving class, he opted not to return to his recently-released half-finished room in Harvey Hall. Instead, he found himself in a much more precarious situation.

“I never knew that would happen!”

I fear that no one will ever know for sure what happened on that treacherous night, because in an attempt to forget the events that took place on Wednesday, he took one extra melatonin gummy before bed. I’ve never heard of melatonin causing memory loss, but according to this Whitman student, he has no recollection of anything that happened just a couple of nights ago.

Some students claim that they saw him on this particular night wandering around Ankeny chasing squirrels and birds with teeth bared, only disrupted by the occasional sprinkler.

“I think we caught a glimpse of his twisted mind,” said one witness to this haunting experience. “I’ve been having extra melatonin every night and I still haven’t forgotten what I saw.”

It’s unclear whether these claims are true or not. After all, the one person that we know was there that night has “forgotten” everything. It’s also unclear if he actually did manage to forget the events of that night, but regardless, I think that we should celebrate the fact that at least one person was able to get some sleep Wednesday night.