Throughout history, philosophers have considered whether God is real, whether our reality is real and even whether we are real. But philosophy majors today have failed to consider whether jobs are real. 

When Descartes said “I think therefore I am,” providing a solution to a major philosophical problem, it collectively blew our minds because we didn’t have any real problems as a society. We could run through the streets screaming or live in a bathtub and still somehow rise to fame. But now, we have to worry about real, boring problems such as climate change, corrupt politicians and convincing people that the Earth is in fact round, not flat or some other creative shape. 

Philosophy students have other ideas, though.

“Maybe the jobs that we see are just the shadows of real jobs that we aren’t able to see,” said one future barista. “We just have to figure out how to turn and look.”

It’s not clear whether Plato’s allegory of the cave can be applied to LinkedIn, but at least they’ve begun thinking about jobs. 

After graduation, you can typically find chemistry majors doing research, computer science majors at Microsoft and art majors donning a beret and heading to Paris. But Philosophy majors seem to be everywhere. Wandering around a grocery store, redecorating their parents’ basement or even at the library returning a book six years past due. 

It’s similar to how they act at Whitman. Unlike every other major that seems to have something to do, the philosophy majors spend their time sunbathing on Ankeny, getting lost in the Science Building or trying to capture a duck while it isn’t looking. 

It’s not clear if this meandering lifestyle is related to a job, or if they even know what a job is. All I know is that if I were paid to ponder, I’d be a millionaire.