“Dear Professor,
I am so sorry that I was using ChatGPT. [Insert mental health excuse]. It will never happen again.”
It’s the third week of the semester, and you’ve already gotten an email from your professor that they detected AI in your discussion post, quiz, essay, lab report, and thesis.
You panic-write a response to them like they’re the God you only beg to when you’re hungover – head bowed over a toilet, swearing you’ll never drink again.
But whatever you do next, don’t press send.
This is only an allegation, and right now, just like Whitman’s Title IX office, you are not about to let any allegations get on your permanent record.
Instead of admitting and apologizing, just do what I do – ask Chat GPT how to respond.
“Dear Professor,
I am not sure what you’re referring to. I believe it is important to do my own work. I only use AI for grammar checking.”
You send your carefully worded, AI-assisted denial. Congratulations; you successfully–
Oh, a response already.
Professor: “I ran your assignment through detection software. The results were conclusive. Please explain yourself.”
Okay, take a deep breath. Just return to the same AI that got you into this mess and ask for a more convincing response.
“Dear professor, I sincerely value your unwavering commitment to academic integrity. I assure you, my AI use is solely for grammar and clarity.”
Send.
Another reply.
“Your submitted material contained phrases no human would ever write. ‘In academia’s tapestry, one must elucidate the human psyche’s depth.’ — is this your natural writing style?”
A second reply immediately follows, now with a screenshot of a paragraph from your essay side by side with an identical paragraph generated by ChatGPT.
“Do you take me for a fool?”
Panic. Desperation. Back to AI.
“Dear Professor, I deeply respect your expertise. The similarities must be a coincidence, perhaps an alignment of linguistic patterns in academic discourse.”
The professor’s next email is just one sentence:
“Come to my office.”
At this point, you might consider asking ChatGPT how to get out of an in-person meeting.
