New dot system proposed

Josh Goodman

With the success of Green Dot at lowering sexual assault on campus, the Dean of Students Office is expanding the program to include more than Red Dots and Green Dots. Below is the proposed new dot system:

Red Dot : Sexual actions without consent.

Green Dot : Sexual actions with consent or actions that prevent situations that may lead to unwanted sexual contact.

Yellow Dot : Not sure if there was consent, so proceed with caution.

Black Dot :  You blacked out after 14 shots and got walked home by your pal. Better luck next time.

Blue Dot : Consent for sex in Lakum Duckum. Ducks included.

Quaaaaack! Dot : Sexual advances by one duck that are unwanted by another duck.

Charlie Sheen Dot : It doesn’t matter what color dot you have because you’re winning.

Quiet Dot : You’re a sophomore who decided to masturbate in the Allen Reading Room, just to be safe/you didn’t have someone to hook up with.

Friday Dot : Your biggest concern is whether you should be kickin’ in the front seat or sittin’ in the back seat. Which seat should you take? Either one, just don’t take the seat next to the unnamed guy at least twice your age who starts rapping about school buses.

Environmental Studies Dot : We all must have red dots because we’re raping Mother Earth on a daily basis.

Pi Dot : You’re a math major spending Saturday night in the library thinking about how pi r squared equals the area of the Green Dot you got because you’re spending Saturday night in the library.

Post-Modern Dot : There is no such thing as a universal truth, and therefore no such thing as a sexual action, much less one that is worthy of a green or red dot, or any other colored dot.