Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 6
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Orcas found to be conspiring to destroy all of humanity

Reed Hendrickson April 23, 2015
Many plausible theories have been established by scientists as to what happens. Some believe that it is a normal change that occurs with age. Others believe it is the farmed fish that trainers have been feeding them. However, with the occurrence of more deaths by orcas in recent years, one scientist, Albanu Hariut, posed an interesting idea. Instead of any compiling a list of physiological changes, Hariut started to listen to what the orcas were saying in their free time.

Browning Out: Summer job hunt

Callie Brown April 16, 2015
“Yes,” she responded with the kind of half grin that you give to your weird cousin at family gatherings. Then, of course, I booked it out of there, after contemplating taking a picture with the cat and deciding against it.

Jackpage: Note found!

Jack Swain April 16, 2015
The other day, I found a crumpled letter in a wastepaper basket. What was I doing snooping through the garbage? An ordinary person might think it unusual to browse through trash cans, but I find it actually quite worthwhile. You really can get to know someone by searching through their trash. I’m serious. And I’m not talking about fucking gross shit with moldy food, etc., etc., obviously. Anyway, this letter that I found was so curious and utterly real that the only thing I could do was have it published here. And it had beautiful handwriting. Besides, it’s a work of pure literature — and don’t worry I changed all the names. And if you ask me what the real names are, I’ll kill you.

Local man wants to settle down and get divorced

Trevor Lewis April 9, 2015
In these uncertain times of almost 50% of marriages ending in death, it can be easy for some to lose faith in the sanctity of divorce. Luckily, hope springs eternal. This is especially the case for local fishmonger and ranch dressing enthusiast Rob Fenderman.

Whitman College Poetry Society presents: Heedson Redrick’s brilliant ”˜Poems of Punishment’

Reed Hendrickson April 9, 2015
Sincerity A concept so important Yet so rarely true When you sit down on a stump to think Does the term really describe you? One’s own ego tends to create a stink

Whitman College Pioneer given national comedy nods due to Jack Issue’s success

Kyle Seasly April 9, 2015
Springtime is recognized around the world as a season of rebirth, fresh beginnings and a renewed sense of nymphomania. This spring, however, greeted many Backpage writers with the bitter taste of failure — similar to the taste of octopus droppings (although some cultures do regard this as a delicacy).

ASWC to pass resolution protesting imprisonment

Andy Monserud April 2, 2015

Nearly a week after being deposed by the forces of Divestment in a bloodless coup, ASWC Senate will vote tonight on a resolution condemning the student government-in-exile's imprisonment in Memorial Hall. ASWC...

Divestment stages coup, secedes from union

Sam Chapman April 2, 2015

Wearing masks made from locally-grown hemp fibers, members of the Whitman Campus Climate Challenge stormed the administrative offices in Memorial Hall yesterday, defenestrating President Jorge Ponts and...

Jack Issue Letter from the Editors

Aleida Fernandez April 2, 2015

Dear Student Body: We give up. After nine months of listening to protests, staying up way too late on Production Night, responding to angry emails from frat presidents, falling asleep at ASWC senates...

Board Announces Real World Application Classes

Martina Pansze April 2, 2015

The Academic Affairs Committee of the Board of Trustees announced Thursday that their largest priority for the Fall 2015 semester is to incorporate more courses that are relevant and applicable to college...

Sweets Facing Unique Allegations

Cole Anderson April 2, 2015

In a recent report from the Ultiworld online website (for those who don't know, which is presumably a lot, this is the college Ultimate Frisbee website), the Whitman Ultimate Frisbee teams have received...

Ultimate promoted to varsity status

Ultimate promoted to varsity status

Riley Foreman April 2, 2015

After many years of contemplation, Club Sports Director Skip Molitor and Athletics Director Dean Snider have decided to promote Ultimate Frisbee to a varsity sport, effective immediately.The two gentlemen...

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