Club Disbands After Members Exhaust Dating Options

Following a press release on Tuesday, the Whitman Alpine Luge Team (WALT) will be disbanding indefinitely.

Martina Pansze

Following a press release on Tuesday, the Whitman Alpine Luge Team (WALT) has decided to disband indefinitely. The statement, created by group co-chairs Josh Warner and Elizabeth Jacobsen, read that the reason for the suspension was that the group has “simply tried all possible dating combinations among members.”

The co-chairs then described that they themselves had had an on-again, off-again fling throughout first semester until one had made out with a first-year member after Queer Beer. The statement continued: “Although the relationship wasn’t exclusive, it’s still weird, you know?”

“I knew they had a thing!” said May Scully in an email to The Pioneer. She continued, “Like, don’t tell anyone, but I could tell it was on at the Annual Lugist Convention in Miami in December.” It is unclear at this time if Scully had a previous relationship with either or both co-chairs.

Many students are upset at the unexpected announcement.

“I can’t believe this,” said a sophomore who wished to remain anonymous. “I came to Whitman on an Alpine Luge scholarship.”

“Then again, it will be nice not to have to see Elizabeth flirting with Josh everyday,” he added, shedding a single tear.

When The Pioneer went to interview Elizabeth Jacobsen, they found her holed up in a study room in the basement of Penrose Library, staring at a bulletin board with different colored yarn carefully pinned between a photo of each member, forming a horrific, unrecognizable tangle between the group members.

“I’ve been staring at this for 12 hours,” said Jacobsen, visibly exasperated. “There’s simply no feasible dating options left … I just don’t think we can continue like this.”

The Pioneer’s Investigative Director  senior Jachlan Lohnson analyzed the bulletin board and thoroughly interviewed team members. Upon further examination, Lohnson discovered that literally every member of the club had dated every other possible member.

“I’m definitely heartbroken, but I understand the decision, and I respect it,” continued Scully. “I think that what the WALT needs right now is some space and a couple of fresh new members. From there, we can reconsider.”