Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

What to do When You’ve Forgotten Someone’s Name

Clara Wheeler, Humor Writer
November 10
Filed under Humor

Uh oh. That person sees you again. You know the one, the nice young woman who knows your name but you have absolutely no idea who she is. Where do you know each other from? A shared class? Club activity? One night stand? She smiles at you and greets you by name. “Hey you,” you say before you pass each other...

Ballot Snap Story Yields Disappointing Number of Views

Megumi Rierson, Humor Writer
November 10
Filed under Humor

It was the perfect Snapchat story. The opening shot captures a few seconds of the bubbling in Hillary Clinton’s name and some forced wavering over other names for comedic effect. The hum of a bustling freshman dorm fills the background. The sound of a double-tap on the screen switches the view to sel...

Econ Major Sonnet

Trevor Lewis, Humor Writer
November 10
Filed under Humor

I’ve heard it said that art majors are hot. And to economics majors I say That we reside inside the realm of not. And though I love our curves of yield today, Compare they can’t to all of physics’ charts. I’m sure that Chem bestows a sense of pride Econ majors never allow their...

In The News

Ben Freedman, Humor Editor
November 10
Filed under Humor

MONDAY Study: BBMB Majors choose course of study solely for intellectual self-aggrandizement TUESDAY Thanksgiving dinner with Wisconsin extended family poses foreseeable conflict WEDNESDAY Beginning rock climbing reportedly “quite chill” THURSDAY Cute guy down the hall seems interested FRIDAY Board of Trustees bla...

Whitman divests from fossil fuels, invests endowment in Coltan mining operation in eastern Democratic Republic of the Congo

Ben Freedman, humor editor
November 8
Filed under Humor

Environmentally inclined Whitties rejoice! The years of hard work from Divest Whitman have finally paid off, and the board of trustees has listened to the call for climate justice. Effective immediately, Whitman College will divest its endowment from fossil fuel companies, and directly move the fund...

Divestment movement expands fight against all forms of fossils

Clara Wheeler, Humor Writer
November 3
Filed under Humor

The Whitman Divestment movement needs to take things to the next level, according to club leader Gresham Merkel. The realization came about as the group was sitting around the GAC, eating leftover donuts and one-upping each other on how long they can go without showering. “We suddenly came to the r...

Whitman Pets Petition for ASWC Recognition

Megumi Rierson, Humor Writer
November 3
Filed under Humor

Whitman has seen an unprecedented uptick in pet ownership in the past year as more students become convinced of their ability to care for another life just a few short years out from puking in the Jewett toilets. More than just a mode of coming to a sense of responsibility and ownership, Whitman pets provide an a...

The Bush Wins Coveted Glaucoma Prevention Award

Trevor Lewis, Humor Writer
November 3
Filed under Humor

History was made this Thursday at approximately 3:11 p.m. when residents of The Bush (by far Whitman’s most health-conscious off-campus house) were presented with the National Institute of Health’s prestigious Glaucoma Prevention Award. The massive golden trophy in the shape of a disembodied human eye was...

Dad Lives Vicariously Through Coaching Son’s Little League Team

Ben Freedman, Humor Editor
November 3
Filed under Humor

WALLA WALLA - Local father Normand Mathis is gearing up to coach another season of his son’s Little League baseball team once spring arrives. Although the Tadpoles had a dodgy record last year–winning only a single game due to disqualification, Mathis is confident that this season holds real promis...

Bon App to Crack Down on Food Theft

Clara Wheeler, Staff Writer
October 27
Filed under Humor

Bon App is sick and tired of having to buy new food all the time, said representative Flarm Jackson in an interview. “Finding new flavors of bagels gets real old real fast,” he went on. “Honestly, it was never that fun to begin with.” Students have been spotted exiting the dining halls carryi...

Little League to sue Whitman over potential new mascot

Jeffrey Gustaveson, Staff Reporter
October 27
Filed under Humor

Whitman’s search for a new mascot erupted in controversy this week after the local Little League announced plans to sue the college for copyright infringement. The Walla Walla Little League Association said Wednesday that it will file suit against Whitman unless one potential mascot, the Blue Ravens, is removed from con...

Election 2016: “Daddy, did the mean man make you cry again?”

Trevor Lewis, Staff Writer
October 27
Filed under Humor

After a brutal day on the campaign trail, an utterly demoralized Mike Pence checked into his hotel room at the Des Moines La Quinta Inn. Sources can confirm that while in the midst of consuming four pints of Häagen-Dazs, the disgraced governor of Indiana realized he couldn’t remember his children’s...

Whitman news since 1896
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