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Whitman Wire

Easy, Brie-sy, Beautiful: One Cheetos Artisan Tells All

Winston Weigand, Mustard Aficionado
January 26, 2017
Filed under Humor

For the first time in over two decades, a certified cheese artisan has agreed to sit down for an interview and spill his secrets. The last time this occurred was in 1992, when a former Cheez-It staffer revealed that their product was actually composed of synthetic emulsifiers, food dye and that...

FREXIT: Community Shocked As French House Votes To Secede From IHC

Clara Wheeler, Hippo Matador
January 26, 2017
Filed under Humor

Earlier this week, the Frençh House passed a vote to leave the Interest House Community, with the upper floor voting 56 percent in favor of succession, the lower floor voting 48 percent against and a mysterious 23 percent of muffled burbling coming from the basement. The remaining houses in the IHC...

OP Introduces New Beginning Kayaking Trip in Reid Basement

Anthony Reale, Barometric Pressurer
January 26, 2017
Filed under Humor

During the first week of Whitman’s second semester, the temperature dropped low enough for a pipe in the Reid Campus Center to freeze and burst, leading to a few inches of water flooding the floor of the Coffeehouse. Much to the Bookstore and Coffeehouse’s dismay, the water covered rugs, new furniture...

Headlines

Trevor Lewis, Humor Writer
December 8, 2016
Filed under Humor

Your Mom’s Gonna Love That New Ying-Yang Face Tattoo   “Why are Finals?” and Other Questions Asked in the Quiet Room at 4:00a.m.   Local First-Year Can’t Wait to Continue Not Giving a Shit about Calculus over Break   This Week’s Forecast: Hoth, with a substantial...

Bon App offers new “taste of Pyongyang” option at Reid Dinner

Ben Freedman, Humor Editor
December 8, 2016
Filed under Humor

In a move to emphasize Whitman’s commitment to cultural inclusion on campus, Bon App will now be offering a new “taste of Pyongyang” option at Reid Coffeehouse. Whitman College prides itself on offering a culturally rich and extensive range of foods, so it was only a matter of time until the No...

Whitman Administration’s Email Peer Review Process

Megumi Rierson, Humor Writer
December 8, 2016
Filed under Humor

Much has been said regarding the chain of emails from Juli Dunn and Chuck Cleveland about the recent druggings on Whitman campus, and although disagreements exist on the nature of the administration’s involvement in the investigation, students have unanimously agreed that the emails sent out to ke...

Student in Quandary after Door is Held for Her

Clara Wheeler, Humor Writer
December 8, 2016
Filed under Humor

Whitman student Jackie Daniels is totally freaking out right now because baseball team beauty Mike Bellafonte held open the door for her on her way to class, even though she was more than thirty feet away and had to walk faster to not make it weird. Sources report that Jackie was found crouched under th...

Clinton Family Christmas Wish List

Megumi Rierson, Humor Writer
December 1, 2016
Filed under Humor

The Clintons have seen better days. In the wake of a momentous election and the slow drip of appointments straight from the basket of deplorables, the holidays are bound to be more tense than they were in New Hampshire and Iowa. The Wire has obtained a partial family Christmas wish list to shed some li...

Whitman Parents Marvel at Matured Offspring

Clara Wheeler, Humor Writer
December 1, 2016
Filed under Humor

Recently, Whitman College won itself a ringing endorsement from parents of students who have come back home for Thanksgiving break as scholars and adults. One parent in particular, Vanessa Wallers, reported that her son Jack spent a large amount of the break curled up on the couch reading Plato’s “...

This week in politics

Jeffrey Gustaveson, Humor Writer
December 1, 2016
Filed under Humor

--Fidel Castro figures Trump Presidency as good a time as any to peace out --Reince Priebus revokes President-elect Trump’s Twitter access until he finishes last bite of steak --Nation’s liberals start believing in Santa for lack of better option --Report: Tryptophan to be used in Middle East...

Whitman Student Security Wins Best New Job of 2016

Ben Freedman, Humor Editor
December 1, 2016
Filed under Humor

It’s official. Just last week, Forbes released its most recent installment of the best new jobs of 2016, and Whitman’s student security position was crowned supreme. In unprecedented fashion, Whitman security positions rank number one in every relevant category, edging out both software developer an...

Steven Mnuchin Secures Treasury Secretary Nomination

Trevor Lewis, Humor Writer
December 1, 2016
Filed under Humor

President Elect Donald Trump was reportedly considering Bernie Madoff or a bag of open cocaine on the oval office floor  for the position of Treasury Secretary before deciding Mr. Mnuchin was more qualified for the task at hand.  Though he has never held public office before, Mnuchin had an illustri...

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