Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 3
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

What Whitman REALLY plans on doing with North

Illustration by Uma Bratt

What does Whitman plan on doing with North? With the dorm FINALLY shutting down as housing for students, there are many questions as to what Whitman will do with it. Rumors have been told that it will become the new COVID house. However, that’s not the truth. Here are North’s options:

#1 Freshman Prison

We’ve all been naughty freshmen at some point. Whether it was playing music too loud in the dorms, setting off fire alarms or even making a Mojo Dojo Casa house with the spare room across the hall. However, some may say the freshies are getting too turnt. At the North Freshman Prison facility, the freshmen will never stop signing in through Duo Mobile. The lessons will be learned and the pain will never end. 

#2 Club Duli Junn

Walla Walla needs a nightclub. Club Duli Junn will provide this entertainment. Through Whitman tuition funding, Club Duli Junn will be the hippest new nightclub in the world. This rave-filled frenzy will feature only one artist, DJ Duli Junn. DJ Duli Junn, after getting off from her shift as a professional in the education system, will be required to bus over to perform a 12 hour concert. She only plays 3 nights of the week. Sunday, Monday and Tuesday. 

#3 A zoo full of old people

Have you ever wanted to watch old people? Wait no more. With the new North Zoo of Old People, you can watch old people do whatever they do. Watch them make soup. Watch them take their prescription drugs. Watch them take non-prescription drugs. Watch them sleep. Watch them fall. Watch them … well … you know. 

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