Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Vol. CLIV, Issue 10
Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

Whitman news since 1896

Whitman Wire

From The Archives: A Commentary

When I heard the Circuit theme for this year, I was overjoyed. “From The Archives” plays perfectly into my hand; another year where I can write an article for Circuit without being creative or original. Last year, I milked jokes that weren’t even funny the first time. This year I will milk a far better cow: I will delve into my own archives to give you a self-congratulatory rehash of my very best Wire articles, lest you forgot. Without further ado, let the show begin. 

First, I present my very first article for The Wire, regarding Kathy Murray, a sweet onion and leaked text messages. I riffed this from a very real event, where the president of University of Michigan lured an amorous partner with the promise of a knish! That would get me!!! In retrospect, I feel sorry for this spoof; it’s quite invasive to Kathy. However, this article did NUMBERS and we all know she was hired to do the Financial Sustainability Review (FSR) and let Justin go in the box and not much else. Just kidding, but not really. 

Another favorite of mine is the category of open letters. In this one, I address the peer my friend group is still obsessed with. They don’t go here anymore, but we like to bring them up. We have actually learned some new facts about them recently, and all of us are only more intrigued. The fire has certainly dimmed, but our hearts keep burning. 

I have done a few pretty good quizzes as well: My quiz on a toxic relationship with the college remains funny, to me. While a little dated to the COVID era, most questions are still fantastic for gauging a real or fake abusive relationship. When I wrote this, I thought it was so great it should be on The Onion or something, but for now, it is published in The Wire. But watch out, America! 

I have also pulled together quite a few guides as I am very knowledgeable on a great many things: Winter, Halloween couple costumes and apparently Freudian analysis. This article on psychoanalyzing your professor’s office speaks my truth. One thing about me: I observe. To peel back the curtain on my writing a bit, I am usually doing some sort of character, but it’s never too far from the truth. All this to say, if I’ve been in your office, just know I have drawn some conclusions. 

Finally, my absolute favorite article that I’ve ever written is about off-campus polycules. I want to take this time to say thank you to Amelia who said “This is so freaking funny.” I appreciate your comment! I try to write about things that I think happen to most everyone on campus. And you’re probably lying if this hasn’t happened to you, to at least some degree. I predict ‘polycule’ will be Merriam-Webster’s word for 2024. 

There are a few more pieces in ye old archive that didn’t make the cut, but remain favorites. The value of an archive is that it captures a snapshot. I hope that maybe 20 years from now a senior could stumble across my fill-in-the-blank affirmations and believe in their thesis topic once again. Or maybe someone is enjoying a delicious, legal meal in the library and remembers how far we’ve come. Or an inspired soul feels a calling to restart a longest fry account in the Metaverse or something. 

I would be remiss not to note that archives deny their own curation; this list is proof. Who wants to remember their flops?

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